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Dependence

Submitted by Clentin on Thu, 2023-07-13 15:31

Since the very day I was born
My dependence began

I relied upon my mother and father
To feed, clothe and nurture me
They taught me how to walk
How to read and write
And how to pray

My brother's and sisters taught me
Ways to interact as a family
How to deal with pain, with love
They succeeded in developing a unit
That would provide caring, safety and hope

My teachers taught me
How to how to read
And write more effectively
How to interact with other students
How to achieve my goals

My church taught me about God
About love, about hate and sin
It taught me about treating others
As we wanted to be treated
It provided me with hope

My friends taught me the rights
And wrongs of everyday existence
They expressed the need to interact
With others on a daily basis
Friends often exposed mistakes made

My job taught me how to work effectively
How to accept responsibility through work
Work provided the necessary income
And how to manage the money
Work allowed me to learn the rules of the world

My dependence upon family, friends, church and work
Will continue until my last day

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
My Independence (or dependence)
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-07-13 21:31

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Dependence" effectively conveys the theme of reliance on various aspects of life, such as family, education, religion, friends, and work. The structure of the poem, with each stanza dedicated to a different facet of the speaker's life, aids in the clear communication of this theme.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. For instance, there is a repetition of phrases such as "taught me how to" which could be varied to avoid redundancy. Also, the poem could benefit from more specific, concrete examples to illustrate the lessons learned from each life aspect. The use of imagery and figurative language could also enhance the poem's depth and emotional resonance.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality. Currently, the lines vary significantly in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem.

Lastly, the poem's conclusion could be strengthened. The current ending is somewhat abrupt and does not fully encapsulate the growth or changes the speaker has undergone due to their dependence. A more reflective or insightful ending could provide a more satisfying conclusion to the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Thu, 2023-07-13 16:21

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the goodness of having such a dependable system. You sound like such a happy man! I hope that you have many more good years of being a part of that system. You are a rock that the rest of your family and others can cling to.
Your work gets a lot of thought into a few lines. You use your words with effective vision.
Well done! ~ Geezer.
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Clentin

Thu, 2023-07-13 17:18

Clentin's picture

ThNkyou for your comments

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