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Death from Above

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Wed, 2023-04-05 12:18

To Buxton town, so men would die,
he sailed, to wait with sword and bow
for death to fall from northern sky,

like autumn leaves when left to lie
beneath the trees, condemned to grow
for men he’d come to crucify.

On fair and foul, like passer-by,
he’d gloat and glare, as blood would flow,
from wounds, before they’d putrefy.

To Buxton town, in years gone by,
When land still shone with goddess glow,
came Caesar, with his evil eye.

To conquer, promenade and pry.
He had no way, no way to know,
his hour drew near, drew near to die.

When silver moon lit up the sky
In land of midnight ice and snow
The Romans dared to deify

this mortal man and magnify!
Till ‘cross the Rubicon he’d go,
T’wards Rome, where cruel assassins lie

in wait, as ides of March draw nigh.
When blades will flash and gleam and glow.
And Caesar, cut, can only cry,
as death comes falling from the sky.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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Last few words: 
A villanelle, about Julius Caesar. Composed of 7 tercets and one closing quatrain.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-04-05 12:18

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Death from Above" has a strong narrative and uses vivid imagery to create a sense of impending doom. The use of historical references, specifically to Caesar, adds depth to the poem and helps to create a sense of timelessness.

One suggestion for a line edit would be to replace "condemned to grow" with "condemned to lie" to create a clearer image of the leaves left to rot under the trees.

However, the poem could benefit from more consistent meter and rhyme scheme. While some stanzas have a clear rhythm, others feel disjointed and lack flow. Additionally, the use of archaic language, such as "goddess glow" and "promenade and pry," feels forced and detracts from the overall effectiveness of the poem.

Overall, "Death from Above" has potential, but could benefit from further editing to improve consistency and clarity.

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Geezer

Thu, 2023-04-06 09:17

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struggling to get a clear picture of what you intended here, I will say that I thought hard about what you were trying to get across, and feel like you were making a case for Caesar's cruelty and disregard for others, being the reason for those Senators stabbing the hell out of him. As to the form, I'm too lazy to go look it up and won't comment of the rhythm, the pace seems fine and works for me, especially the last stanza. ~ Geezer.
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