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DEATH
The heart beats in and fades
out of our lives, my
meat suit unzips and falls,
slips
down like a white flag
surrendering six feet
under, to the wiggling
caretakers and underground
creatures, padded feet and
splashed muffled voices sobs
of grieving strangers
walking past us, flowers are
the only thing placed and
touched
On a cold tattooed stone, my date
Of birth and when I left this earth .
The light In my
eyes sucked out of me into another
dimension and replaced with craters
Of black sockets and a rotten carcass
now crooked and soulless,
housed
in a wooden box away from elements
The only thing hugging me is a
darkened cloaked shadow.
All memories buried, ignited away
all possessions that once was
borrowed now given away
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Rough
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Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-09-27 22:30
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, titled "DEATH," employs vivid and evocative imagery to explore the theme of mortality. The use of metaphors such as "meat suit unzips and falls" and "cold stone tattooed in my date of birth" effectively convey the physicality and finality of death. However, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation and syntax to enhance readability and comprehension.
The first stanza introduces the reader to the concept of death with the image of a heart fading out. The second stanza seems to depict the process of burial, but the lack of punctuation makes it difficult to discern the intended meaning. Consider revising for clarity.
The third stanza introduces the concept of the "cold stone tattooed in my date of birth." This is a powerful image, but the phrase "and when I left earth" is somewhat awkward. Perhaps rephrase for smoother flow.
The fourth stanza effectively conveys the emptiness and loss associated with death. However, the phrase "now crooked and soulless" could be more effectively integrated into the stanza.
The final stanza encapsulates the theme of the poem, suggesting that all possessions and memories are ephemeral. The phrase "that once was borrowed now given away" is a poignant reminder of the transient nature of life. However, the phrase "ghosted away" might be too colloquial for the overall tone of the poem.
In summary, the poem effectively explores the theme of death through vivid imagery and metaphor. However, it could benefit from revisions to punctuation, syntax, and phrasing for improved clarity and flow.
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captain 2
Sat, 2024-09-28 20:04
nice!
I enjoyed reading this - despite the subject matter. I found it very crafty and thought provoking! Well done!
Best,
captain
Jokerface82
Sat, 2024-09-28 22:24
Thank you
Much appreciated!