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Dearest Sky...

Submitted by Geezer on Wed, 2023-11-08 12:02

I love the way you look at me
show me your colored skin
The hues that come from nightfall
when the moon is pushing in

Purple, pink and lavender
clouds of fleecy white
I love the sweetness of your breath
when the dawn comes after night

You hold the birds above the trees
bring me sounds of distant things
I see you frame the kids in joy
as they swoosh back and forth on swings

I love you Sky, I love you
I write those lines upon your face
Love letters to the sky, my darling
from here on my earthbound place

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
November 2023 Challenge Write a Love Letter To The Sky
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-11-08 18:02

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Dearest Sky..." utilizes vivid imagery and personification to create an intimate relationship between the speaker and the sky. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the use of common and predictable color descriptions such as "purple, pink and lavender" and "clouds of fleecy white" could be replaced with more unique and less expected color imagery. This would enhance the overall sensory experience for the reader.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. While some lines flow smoothly, others disrupt the rhythm, such as "I see you frame the kids in joy/as they swoosh back and forth on swings." Adjusting these lines to fit the established rhythm could improve the overall musicality of the poem.

Lastly, the poem could delve deeper into the metaphorical implications of the speaker's relationship with the sky. While the poem does a good job of establishing this relationship, it could further explore what this relationship represents or signifies on a larger scale. This would add an additional layer of complexity and depth to the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Wed, 2023-11-08 13:07

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Dear Geezer,
This is so engaging. Everything about it is so relatable - I'm truly placed into the imagery and the activity. A tender and endearing love letter.
Thank you!
L

Geezer

Wed, 2023-11-08 18:24

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I tried to show a relationship between a person that truly loves the sky, and watches it, and the sky, which helps the world
hold on to the life it supports. Thank you for the constant reading of my work, and critique and comments. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Wed, 2023-11-08 20:38

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I look forward to reading your work! This was an especially cool challenge - kudos to whomever suggested it!
L

RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-11-08 15:59

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A wonderful tribute to the sky...full of descriptive language and bright visuals. The sky truly is remarkable if we think about all it gives us...except for snow...snow is not remarkable. Great write!

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Wed, 2023-11-08 18:26

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sometimes, we have to take a little snow, to make the rest of the whole thing work. I'm glad that you enjoyed this one. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

William Lynn

Wed, 2023-11-08 17:29

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Hi Geez.

Another wonderful poem that brings the reader along for the ride. Thanks for sharing! - Will

Geezer

Wed, 2023-11-08 18:28

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took the ride with us. I'm happy to share anything that gives a little pleasure.
Thank you, ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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