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Ashes to Ashes

Submitted by Kristen H. on Mon, 2023-12-11 20:24

I ripped my heart from my chest
and it turned to ash in my hand.

Still standing,
still breathing,
I watched as the wind blew it away.

I'm damned to this earth,
forever.

Heartless, cold, worthless excuse for a human.
If I am even that anymore.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Weekly 12/11/23 to 12/16/23
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-12-12 02:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Thank you for sharing your poem, "Ashes to Ashes." I appreciate the raw emotion and introspection conveyed in your words. Here is my feedback:

1. Imagery: The image of ripping your heart from your chest and it turning to ash in your hand is powerful and evocative. It effectively conveys a sense of pain and loss. Consider expanding on this imagery throughout the poem to create a more vivid and immersive experience for the reader.

2. Structure: The poem has a concise structure, which works well in capturing the intensity of the emotions expressed. However, you may want to experiment with varying the line lengths or incorporating stanza breaks to add visual interest and enhance the overall flow of the poem.

3. Clarity: While the overall tone and theme of the poem are clear, there are a few lines that could benefit from further clarification. For example, the line "I'm damned to this earth, forever" could be expanded upon to provide more insight into the speaker's

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Tue, 2023-12-12 00:35

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you paint of a depressed person is most complete.
I'm sorry that you have such a picture in your head.
My only concern is with the last line; I would have said.
If I am even that anymore.
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Kristen H.

Tue, 2023-12-12 06:21

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Thanks for the feedback, Geezer! I reread the poem with both my line and yours and I ended up changing the line. It flowed better. I also noticed the typo in my poem even though I proofread multiple times before posting anything. I must have been sleepy during the last proofread.

Your feedback is always most welcome! Thanks again!

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RoseBlack

Tue, 2023-12-12 17:21

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Raw and powerful. The visual of your heart turning to ash and then blowing away was intense. The feeling of that and not feeling human anymore resonates deep with me as I am becoming desensitized to basic emotions. Well done!

~RoseBlack~

Kristen H.

Tue, 2023-12-12 17:35

Kristen H.'s picture

That is so relatable. I'm sorry you feel that way, but take heart that you're not alone in that feeling. I try to be as honest as possible in my writing and sometimes it comes out more intense than I intended but, nevertheless, it's the truth. Thank you for your kind words, RoseBlack!

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