Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Hawaiian Birthday...

Submitted by Geezer on Wed, 2024-10-02 00:08

On Hawaiian shores forever,
she dances for us all.
Her graceful moves in life,
pick us up, when we fall.

Now, the balloons are carried
to distant, far off shore,
and she is no longer with us,
I'll hold her hand no more.

Mother, dance your best,
for us up in the sky.
I saw your love for all,
there's teardrops in my eyes.

Somewhere over that rainbow
bluebirds will surely fly.
The joy that she gave to us,
Mom's love will never die.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

My sister is holding a birthday party for my departed mother every year, until she would have been one hundred years old. She was ninety-six years old, when she passed two years ago. It was a running joke that my mom should live to be one hundred. She always wanted to go to Hawaii and learn to do the hula dance.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-10-02 06:10

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively communicates a sense of loss and longing, using the metaphor of a Hawaiian dance to symbolize the departed mother's impact on the lives of those left behind.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of imagery. The first stanza introduces the Hawaiian setting and the dance metaphor, but these elements are not fully developed in the subsequent stanzas. For example, the balloons in the second stanza seem to be a new, unrelated image. It might be more effective to continue with the dance metaphor or to tie the balloons more clearly to the Hawaiian setting.

The rhythm and rhyme scheme are generally consistent, which contributes to the poem's overall flow. However, there are a few lines that disrupt this pattern. For example, the second line of the third stanza ("for us up in the sky") is shorter than the others, which may disrupt the reader's rhythm.

The poem's theme of love and loss is clear and effectively communicated. However, the final line ("Mom's love will never die") might be considered a cliché. The poem could be strengthened by finding a more original way to express this sentiment.

In terms of language, the poem is generally clear and straightforward. However, there are a few instances where the wording could be improved for clarity. For example, in the second stanza, it's not clear who or what is being referred to by "she" and "her".

Overall, the poem has a strong emotional core and effectively uses metaphor and imagery to communicate its themes. With some revisions to improve consistency, clarity, and originality, it could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-10-02 08:51

Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

Dear Geezer,

A lovely tribute to your mother who had a lovely wish! I can hear the music and smell the native flowers in the background. A captivating poem, to be sure!

many hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Wed, 2024-10-02 21:51

Thank you much...

I think that it needs a little work, but it being such an emotional experience, I am waiting for a little before I try to rework it.
~ Love you, Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Leslie

Wed, 2024-10-02 18:13

Sir G

Another great poem, no doubt. I loved the last stanza, but it was very well written and beautiful. I feel for the tears that you shed for your mom. She must have been a beautiful person. Well done once again!!!

Our dreams lost! Lost on an ocean of turmoil! Soon a solution will arrive! Until then I will write!

Geezer

Wed, 2024-10-02 21:53

Thank you Leslie...

As I have said, I think it needs a little work, but will wait for a little bit, before trying to work on it. Glad that the emotion came through. ~ Geez.,
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Fri, 2024-10-04 22:29