Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
SHUT IN WITH A LUNATIC
A bar of seal grey
Duct tape fastened any
verbal communication.
But I was too dazed and
confused, pumped full of
drugs
a prescription I never
asked for. journeying anyway
travelling with no destination
helped the dull pain
pack it's suitcase temporarily
Strings of earth shine gold,
spilled in from the battened
down pane, that had a slight
gash.
were dust motes float,
ribbons of light cut
Through the rotten wood.
Illuminating a sizeable
paunchy shape with
sucked in beefy legs
drawed into a pair of sordid
low white fronts neglected for
cycles.
It wore a fun sized
vest full of spaghetti
With vomit speeding
down its chest,
And sported a shaved head
too lazy to do anything with
it.
rocking back and fourth
It rattled and protested to
Its own self, a fist was badanged
around a plasma flushed mallet
and the other palm curled around
a moth eaten mangy teddy
discharged with faeces and
urine that spilled out of it in
a sickly vapour. A stitched eye
that needed fixing and head
and body that needed stuffing
My stormy drowsy eyes tryed
to verbalise a plea, persuade
this scatterbrained nutcase with
a murmuring supplication.
But it reflected back a poker
face of blankness no reception.
blood poured down my nose
in trails of copper, my crotch
saturated terror stricken in
horror.
It stabbed me a first degree
glare then jerked back its
hammer studying my jitters
and cowardnice. Beads of
sweat drained my skull.
But it just threw its head
back in a maniacal cackle
showing its evil spirit of
the devil.
A grin cut ear to ear hiking
a court jester laugh busting
a gut erupting from its homicidal
lungs, jeering because
I've been sentenced, so now
Im going to be tortured and
executed.
It drank up my anxiety and dined
on my weakness and solitary.
Im its victim, caged in a web of
its delusions and madness
that came
true in a fools paradise basement.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Rough
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Other recent work
Active Workshops & Contests
Contest
Workshop
- Wading Pool: Neopoet How To Video Resources
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 2
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 1
- Plunge Pool: Stream Workshop
Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-10-01 11:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "SHUT IN WITH A LUNATIC" presents a vivid, disturbing narrative that effectively evokes feelings of horror and unease. The use of strong, visceral imagery throughout the poem creates a sense of dread and discomfort, which seems to be the desired effect.
However, there are several areas where the poem could be improved. Firstly, the poem's syntax and grammar are occasionally inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the narrative. For example, the phrase "were dust motes float" appears to be a typographical error, as it would make more sense if it were "where dust motes float".
Secondly, the poem's use of language and imagery can sometimes be overly explicit, which can detract from the overall impact of the poem. While the vivid descriptions of the "lunatic" are certainly unsettling, they might be more effective if they were a bit more subtle. For example, the description of the "lunatic" as having a "fun sized vest full of spaghetti with vomit speeding down its chest" is certainly graphic, but it might be more disturbing if it were left a bit more to the reader's imagination.
Finally, the poem's narrative could benefit from a bit more development. While the poem effectively conveys the speaker's fear and horror, it doesn't provide much insight into why the speaker is in this situation or what the "lunatic" represents. Adding more context or depth to the narrative could make the poem more engaging and meaningful.
Overall, the poem is a powerful exploration of fear and horror, but it could be improved with some revisions to the syntax and grammar, the use of language and imagery, and the development of the narrative.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-10-01 06:13
Hey Joker,
These are my favorite lines:
Strings of earth shine gold,
spilled in from the battened
down pane, that had a slight
gash.
were dust motes float,
ribbons of light cut
Through the rotten wood.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Jokerface82
Tue, 2024-10-01 06:34
Thanks cat
Much appreciated it's still early days I will probably change alot
author commentLeslie
Tue, 2024-10-01 07:43
Joker
You definately have a creative vocabulary. If it wasn't so dark here inside it would be more appealing, but I applaud your creativity and hope to read more!
Today never knows what tommorow will bring!
Jokerface82
Tue, 2024-10-01 08:20
Thank you
Thank you haha much appreciated
author comment