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A Wish

Submitted by Alex Tanner on Sun, 2024-09-08 16:57

If I could write like Kipling,
Swinburne, Poe or Noyes
My pen would never cease to scratch
Tales full of hope and Joy.

Maybe songs of misery,
Of woe and long lost loves,
Girls I kissed with a passion
To rouse desires thereof.

Of gardens soft and verdant
In dappled sunshine's glare.
Deserts bare and sunbaked
Where bleached white bones lay bare.

Tales of high adventure,
Buccaneers and gold,
Of worlds in space, so far away
Adrift in realms ice cold,

If only I could write like them
And countless others too,
Instead my puny efforts
I hope, for you will do.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 09/8/24 to 09/14/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-09-08 23:00

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Wish" demonstrates a clear understanding of rhythm and rhyme, with a consistent ABAB rhyme scheme throughout. The use of well-known poets in the first stanza sets a high bar for the speaker's aspirations, which is an effective way to communicate the speaker's humility and desire for improvement.

In terms of improvement, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While there are some vivid descriptions, such as "gardens soft and verdant" and "deserts bare and sunbaked", these could be expanded upon to create a more immersive experience for the reader.

The transition between the different themes (love, nature, adventure) could be smoother. Currently, they seem to jump from one to another without much connection. Developing a more coherent narrative or thematic thread could help to tie these different elements together.

The final stanza is a nice conclusion, but the phrase "puny efforts" might be too self-deprecating. It could potentially undermine the reader's confidence in the speaker's abilities. Consider a more balanced self-assessment that acknowledges the speaker's current skill level while still expressing a desire to improve.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more varied vocabulary. There are a few instances where the same word is used in close proximity (e.g., "love" in the second stanza). Experimenting with synonyms or different ways of expressing the same idea could enhance the poem's linguistic richness.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Thu, 2024-09-12 10:34

A Wish

Hello, Alex,
A tender piece, and fully appreciated. I can feel the love for poets and their poetry within each stanza. I'd agree with AI regarding using the word form of "love" so close together in the second stanza. Such respect and admiration for poetry here! I really enjoyed this!
Thank you!
L
Also, your excellent efforts are far from "puny."

Alex Tanner

Thu, 2024-09-12 16:48

Hello L.

On reflection you and AI are quite right. I was trying to keep it as simple and basic as I could so I shall sleep on it and see what I come up with. Your comments always appreciated. Alex

author comment

Alex Tanner

Fri, 2024-09-13 09:29