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One More Tear
Grief comes in waves
So they say
It's more like a tsunami
Or like getting hit by a freight train
It's powerful
Heart stopping
Gut wrenching
Drop to your knees kind of pain
It makes you cry
so hard
you can't breathe
It makes you
so heavy
you can't lift yourself
out of bed
It shocks you
into a state of paralysis
It feels like
nothing
can pull you ashore
and rescue you
from the crashing weight of the water
Save for one more tear...
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2023-12-04 03:50
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "One More Tear" effectively captures the overwhelming nature of grief and the intense emotions associated with it. The use of vivid imagery, such as comparing grief to a tsunami or being hit by a freight train, effectively conveys the power and impact of this emotion. The repetition of phrases like "It makes you cry so hard you can't breathe" and "It makes you so heavy you can't lift yourself out of bed" adds emphasis and reinforces the intensity of the pain.
One suggestion for improvement would be to consider varying the structure and rhythm of the poem. Currently, the poem consists of short, declarative sentences, which can create a sense of urgency and intensity. However, introducing some variation in sentence length and structure could add depth and complexity to the poem. For example, experimenting with longer, more descriptive sentences or incorporating enjambment could create a more dynamic flow.
Additionally, the poem could benefit from further exploration of the emotional journey of grief. While the poem effectively portrays the
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
Mon, 2023-12-04 05:19
This is really good, touching
This is really good, touching and it tells it like it is. Great poem, well done, Ruby :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Kristen H.
Mon, 2023-12-04 09:27
Thank you...
very much, Ruby!
Geezer
Mon, 2023-12-04 13:07
I get it...
Once again, grief has touched my family's life. Not so much me directly, but a niece, that is absolutely devastated over her father's death by criminal action. A brutal thing, that is far from over. You have captured that crushing, heavy, emotion.
She will survive; much as I think your person here will. I will argue for your short, expressive lines; because I know you are short on everything, at the moment. You have neither breath to waste or the ability to think. Good job!
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Kristen H.
Mon, 2023-12-04 15:48
Thank you
So much, Geezer! I, too, like the short lines. I feel that they're more expressive than long lines of explanations. I appreciate your feedback, as always!
Clentin
Mon, 2023-12-04 13:29
I liked the essence of the
I liked the essence of the poem. Grief is evident.
Stanzas vary in lines, just a thought.
Kristen H.
Mon, 2023-12-04 15:48
Thank you
Very much, Clentin! I appreciate your feedback!