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SAFE WITHIN
Another grunt another heave,
another boulder on the wall.
I wipe mind's sweat with my sleeve.
The barricade is growing tall.
I wonder is it tall enough.
Are all of the joints tight and strong?
I worry about all this stuff
and all the things which might go wrong.
For this wall has consumed my life
ever since I was a child.
Long before I wed my wife,
before my love of all things wild,
This dry wall denotes a citadel
a place where I safely abide
a defense from what goes not well
a stockade which keeps heartache outside.
In all these years I've let just one
inside this wall to share my life.
only one which I can depend on.
My ageless long suffering wife.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2018-09-27 15:25
Can't find...
anything wrong with this one. It rings true and of your love of your wife! ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Thu, 2018-09-27 19:01
C'mon Gee
Surely you can find something lol. appreciate the visit
Geezer
Sat, 2018-09-29 15:28
Okay...
I find the last line of the fourth stanza a little unwieldy. How about "A wall to keep heartache outside?"
And the [ageless, long suffering wife], is something I'll leave you to deal with! ~ Gee.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Sat, 2018-09-29 16:59
Thanks
You know I prefer truth so this will be examined when I edit......stan
Shadowdancer3349
Fri, 2018-09-28 20:11
stan
I concur with Gee
scribbler
Fri, 2018-09-28 20:49
OK
That does it. I'm gonna write one so that ya'll will Have to tell me stuff is in need of fixing lol. The thing is I won's tell you when I post it.Appreciate your visit and kind comment
Eumolpus
Sat, 2018-09-29 11:25
interesting narrative
that you have built the wall of China around you to protect yourself from the world, only to let your wife into your deepest core. But why is she "suffering"? Is it mental, physical, emotional? It makes us wonder whether it was you who caused the suffering, as the result of your intense privacy, but I don't think it's that. For me the poem needs to offer the reader a few more clues to this relationship in relation to the wall you have spent a lifetime building, and your lifetime mate.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
scribbler
Sat, 2018-09-29 11:48
Hiya
I figured it pretty obvious that the suffering was caused by her joining me within the citadel. But you have given me food for thought to be used in eventual edit and I appreciate that.......stan
Eumolpus
Sat, 2018-09-29 13:31
that was my first takeaway
perhaps it was the voice of the poet is confessing such a compassion for this other person who shares what's behind those walls with love, i didn't connect the suffering.
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
scribbler
Sat, 2018-09-29 13:40
No problem
A writer writes then sets the poem free and then it is open to the interpretation of the reader.