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WOODBINE'S SCULPTURE (3rd sonnet attempt) [meter workshop]
The woodbine decorates its host in yellow
but gay blossoms cover its true intent
as it attempts to choke the little tree
or at the least leave it twisted and bent
Young tree accomodates its tormenter
by bulging bark between the ropy vine
which tightens as the growing tree gains girth
it's mere luck this tree's not a soft barked pine
This alder I spotted beside a road
on verge of death as its starved leaves browned
I cut and freed it from its stranging foe
a helical staff I now tote around
So out of struggle and near death is made
A true support to help me walk rough glades
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-04-01 23:22
great sonnet
Beautifully written
I love the tone. The gay bossom which strangles the tree is removed to save the tree, useful as a support for. Nicely done
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Mon, 2012-04-02 08:12
Hi Barb
I had actually written another stanza then realized this was very close to being a sonnet (a form I've seldom used) so I made a few adjustments and came up with this with some help from an ol' Carolina girl..................stan
author commentBarbara Writes
Mon, 2012-04-02 13:32
who me;-)
Sonnets are beautiful
glad this one turned out so well for you
glad I was a part of it creation
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2012-04-02 00:39
one syllable
Almost perfect, easily remedied with a one syllable word.
Counting syllables can be tricky ;-)
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Mon, 2012-04-02 08:18
Hi Beau
One of the reasons I avoid sonnets is because they are so hard to write without it seeming contrived. I'm very pleased you think this flows naturally. As to "skinned" According to WEBSTER'S NINTH NEW COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY it is one syllable. thanks for coming by..........stan
author commentEssorant
Mon, 2012-04-02 12:42
Not Bad
I like this. It is not a bad attempt, but there are quite a few outstanding deviations from the iambic meter: (Capitalized syllables/words below are the stresses. The bolded syllables are the syllables that succeed as being beats of the meter)
WOODbine DEcoRATES its HOST in YELlow (this is the opposite of iambic! And "yellow" doesn't rhyme with "tree"!) but GAY BLOSsoms COVer its TRUE inTENT
as it atTEMPTS to CHOKE the LITtle TREE (perfect)
or at the LEAST LEAVE it TWISTed and BENT
YOUNG TREE acCOMmodates its TORmenter (perfect, though tormentor is usually pronounced torMENTor)
by BULGing BARK beTWEEN the ROPy VINE (perfect)
which TIGHTens as the GROWing TREE GAINS GIRTH (perfect)
it's MERE LUCK this TREE'S not SOFT SKINNED PINE (Very messy. This line is also missing a syllable)
This ALDer I SPOTted beSIDE a ROAD
on VERGE of DYing as its LEAVES TURNED BROWN (perfect)
I CUT and FREED it of its STRANGing FOE (perfect except "of" struggles to work as a beat)
a HELical STAFF I NOW TOTE aROUND (missing a syllable)
So OUT of STRUGgle and NEAR DEATH is MADE (perfect)
A TRUE supPORT to HELP me WALK ROUGH GLADE (perfect)
Also "walk rough glade" is a bit unidiomatic, as we expect an "a" "walk a rough glade" or "walk through a rough glade" etc. In this case, perhaps simply "walk the glade" would work better? Hope this helps a bit.
Essorant
Mon, 2012-04-02 11:45
Sorry
Sorry, I thought it said bold tags would work in "advanced formatting", but they didn't work in my comment above.
Edit: Fixed (for the most part)
scribbler
Mon, 2012-04-02 08:32
Hello
Welcome to neopoet. In my opinion All critique is helpful and I appreciate your taking the time to dissect this. I expect that after your comment on yellow not rhyming with tree you realized the rhyme pattern I used here only required every other line to rhyme lol. As to some of this not being iambic I suspected as much. I have a hard time reading my own stuff without poetic voice which tends to mislead me at times. But I must confess that I was so focused on trying to maintain the pentameter that I didn't pay much attention to anything else except trying to keep a natural sound to the flow of words. I reckon there's a reason I called this a sonnet "attempt" as I've yet to write one I'm really happy with. I look forward to hearing more from you and reading some of your writing. If you need any help navigating site or have any questions just ask me or any other member. If we can't help we'll get you in touch with somebody who can............stan
author commentscribbler
Mon, 2012-04-02 13:18
Hello again
These danged sonnets lol. Believe you are mistaken as helical has 3 syllables . You are correct on other syllable count though and I'm gonna change it and last line also..........stan
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-04-02 12:57
beautiful descriptive, and an
beautiful descriptive, and an uplifting message stan
i love this write of yours
but if you are serious about the meter...
WOODbine DEcorATES its HOST in YELLow
but GAY BLOSSoms COVer its TRUE inTENT
as IT atTEMPTS to CHOKE the LITTle TREE
or AT the LEAST LEAVE it TWISTed and BENT
YOUNG TREE acCOMMoDATES its torMENTter
by BULGing BARK beTWEEN the ROpy VINE
which TIGHTens AS the GROWing TREE GAINS GIRTH
it’s MERE LUCK this TREE’S not SOFT-SKINNED PINE
this ALDer I SPOTTed beSIDE a ROAD
on VERGE of DYing as its LEAVES TURNED BROWN
I CUT and FREED it OF its STRANGling FOE
a HELi-cal STAFF I NOW TOTE aROUND
so OUT of STRUGGle and NEAR DEATH is MADE
a TRUE supPORT to HELP me WALK ROUGH GLADE
it is really rude to re-write someone’s work
so i am going to be really rude because I love this poem of yours stan, and I’m really just trying to show you the iambic – lol but you can’t call it a sonnet without the correct rhyme scheme too…
this isn’t perfect, but hopefully will give you some ideas…
the yellow woodbine decorates its host
with blossoms gaily hiding true intent
to slowly try to choke the little tree
or at the least to leave it twined and bent
to now the sapling’s fought its cruel tormenter
by bulging bark between the ropy vine
which tightens as the growing tree gains girth
it’s merely luck this tree is not soft pine
beside the road I spotted this young alder
on verge of dying as its leaves were browned
I cut and freed it of its strangling foe
a spiral shaped support I now tote ‘round
so out of struggle and near death is found
a staff to make that helps me o’er rough ground
(first lines of verses two and three are feminine lines
ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta
- 51/2 iambic feet
- -shakespeare used them a lot
- so they’re perfectly legal )
hope this helps and I don’t offend you
love and hugs
judy
xxxx
lol - i should say imho :)
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Mon, 2012-04-02 13:27
Hi Judy
It takes a lot more than well intentioned feed back to offend me lol. I'll check over your suggestion this evening and see what I can come up with................stan PS what is a feminine line??? I thought lines were gender neutral
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-04-02 13:33
a feminine line
has an extra syllable and finishes on the up
- in pentameter five and a half feet (11 syllables) instead of five feet (10 syllables)
ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta
:)
xx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2012-04-02 14:45
hmmmm
I believe you are in error in My iambic pentameter research it has 5 iambic and 10 syllables.
da Dum da Dum da Dum da Dum da Dum.
da Dum| da Dum| da Dum| da Dum| da Dum| da.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
judyanne
Wed, 2012-04-04 11:49
true barb
but there is also the use of feminine lines - true - look it up :)
xx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Wed, 2012-04-04 13:09
Well
Now I see how wrong I was in saying sonnets are a pain in the butt............riiiiight lol. Ya'll go on debating this while I cower in ignorance lmao................stan
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2012-04-04 13:11
lol
typical male xx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Barbara Writes
Mon, 2012-04-02 13:56
i see
getting lots of critiques
I see is helphful
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Sun, 2012-04-08 20:55
OK
Now prepared to see where I made mistakes in edit lol...........stan
author commentBarbara Writes
Sun, 2012-04-08 23:20
Stan
Its almost perfect to me. The critique from the stream can only make it better. You have a great piece here and i just love the imagery I still see.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-04-08 23:24
hopefully Stan
You have gain a lot from this workshop and writing with meter, at the least, iambic pentameter is a lot easier.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
scribbler
Mon, 2012-04-09 07:51
hi Barb
Shop has been most helpful. At least now I'll Know when my meter drifts.................stan
author commentBarbara Writes
Mon, 2012-04-09 10:53
great
Glad to hear.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community