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WITCHES OF DESIRE

Submitted by Alex Tanner on Tue, 2024-01-23 11:17

Naked they ride on stallions of flame
Creatures that worship who cannot be named
'Cross ink black skies they scream out their lust
Seeking weak men to reduce into dust.

With cunning and wiles for centuries gone
They have tempted men good, bad, honest and strong.
Appear as young women to capture a soul
Lured into bondage, chained, spirit controlled.

They smile so demure heads bowed to obey
Vampires they plot to suck fools souls away
When he thinks he has captured a heart for all time
Like a viper she strikes to embrace him supine.

Now he is lost in darkness and lust
Can resist nought she promises, she promises much,
Promises all but never to keep
For once he's entrapped she'll seek fresh souls to reap.

Discarded he'll weep and tear at his brain
As a flood in dank gutters he's swept in the drain,
Cast far from a life of love and content
Destined for misery, anguish ne'er spent.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 01/21/24 to 01/27/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-01-23 17:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Witches of Desire" presents a vivid portrayal of temptation and downfall, using strong imagery and a consistent rhyme scheme. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the poem's meter is inconsistent. For instance, the first line of the poem has eight syllables, while the second line has nine. This inconsistency can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it more difficult for the reader to follow along. A more consistent meter would enhance the poem's musicality and make it more engaging.

Secondly, the poem's language and imagery are quite strong, but at times, they can be overly dramatic. For example, the line "As a flood in dank gutters he's swept in the drain" might be seen as too intense or graphic for some readers. A more subtle approach to the imagery could make the poem more accessible and relatable.

Lastly, the poem's theme of temptation and downfall is clear, but it could be developed further. The witches are portrayed as purely evil, with no redeeming qualities. This one-dimensional portrayal can make the poem less interesting. Providing more complexity to the witches' characters could make the poem more engaging and thought-provoking.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-01-23 11:50

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I think you have outdone yourself with this piece. It is full of beautiful words and lines. Your flow is excellent. such a tremendous piece! I can feel the passion and the driving force it took to write this! I cannot chose a favorite verse because is all so great! good luck in the contest!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Alex Tanner

Tue, 2024-01-23 16:30

Alex Tanner's picture

Thanks Cat. More to come as I am working on several along the same lines. I try not to be too explicit but some I have under way may well be. Geez has made some valid suggestions and there will be some editing done by the weekend. Thanks again. Alex

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2024-01-23 13:49

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you might shorten a few lines without doing any damage to the rest of the poem
and make a better sing-song rhythm.

Naked, they ride on stallions of flame
Creatures that worship none who are named
'Cross ink black skies screaming out lust
Seeking weak men, to reduce them to dust

With cunning and wiles for centuries gone
They have tempted good men, honest and strong
Appear as young women, to capture their soul
Lured into bondage, chained, spirit controlled

I'm sure that you can figure out the rest of the poem, lines that can use a paring.
I like that you used an AA BB kind of pattern, it makes the poem feel more singsong and easier to speak.

As always, you can use my lines, chose to leave them as is, twist them to make your own lines,
or just dump them. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Alex Tanner

Tue, 2024-01-23 16:32

Alex Tanner's picture

Hi Geez. Thanks, some valid points there that will certainly tighten it up. I'll do some editing by the weekend. Always glad of your suggestions. Alex

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2024-01-25 10:04

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Good luck in the contest. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Alex Tanner

Thu, 2024-01-25 11:07

Alex Tanner's picture

Thanks Geez. You're a gent. Alex.

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