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Spools of wavy tendrils in raven
Shouldered hair a smooth photogenic
face like a pebble caressed by the

silk mirrored stream. Eyes delightful,
vulnerable, beautiful spirals and walnut
choclate eyes with silky Beetle leg

lashers. Who knew she was a complete
Pyscho? five foot nothing full of hate neglect
a kitchen handle wedged in my chest a punch

from the devil a cruel curve breaking her face
satisfied my soul drifting away into the next plain.
She took my fading light that never shined like

a beacon and the biting cold taking away
the heat disappearing like a tag team
on my soul

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How was my language use?
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You caught me completely unawares!

*hugs, Cat

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Wanted you to lol

author comment

rough, but very understandable. I would use [in] instead of [of] and [black] in the line: "Spools of wavy tendrils in raven" I know that [raven] is a much more mysterious and darker word than black, but it does make the line smoother. I think that it would be a bit more readable if you kept the descriptive lines intact and not split them up just to make the lines look of equal length.

Spools of wavy tendrils in black shouldered hair,
a smooth photogenic face
like a pebble caressed by the mirrored stream

Her eyes were delightful
Vulnerable, beautiful [whirls] of chocolate and walnut - you have used spools already
with lashes of silky beetle-leg darkness

Who knew she was a complete pyscho?
Five foot nothing, full of hate and neglect
a kitchen handle wedged in my chest.

I was surprised too!

As always, use my suggestions, twist them, or just dump them, they are just my interpretation
of how your poem should read. ~ Geezer.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

You remind me of Eric Bloom And Donald Buck Rosier. Dude for a poet you absolutely rock. Can't get enough!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

Thank you for the advice and for reading

author comment

beautifully written poem! i loved the plot twist at the end. very well done!

There was a twist a bland handle

author comment

Definitely spun me for a loop. All I can say that sure escalated fast. Described perfectly Cruel to the bone wrapped in a pretty bow.

Yeah it needed a bit of spice.!

author comment
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