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DARK SILENCE

Submitted by Jokerface82 on Sun, 2024-03-10 18:45

I looked up at the overspread
obsidian, coal like sky.
A detonation

Sea of flickering sequins of silver
and dazzling starlight and
explosive whites.

The unspeaking secrets and
neighbours in the midnight
Sky light.

A cluster of silence
The night slumbers while the

Stars, flash their signal beacons.
The night invades

the day with
marching stars carrying a
dark magicians cape

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
03/24 Looking At The Stars
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-03-11 00:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "SILENCE" presents a vivid and evocative image of the night sky, using rich and descriptive language. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.

Firstly, the poem's structure could be improved for better readability. The inconsistent stanza breaks and line lengths can be disorienting for the reader. A more consistent structure could help to guide the reader through the poem.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from a clearer thematic focus. While the imagery of the night sky is compelling, it's not clear how this relates to the title "SILENCE". If the poem is about the silence of the night, this could be made more explicit in the text of the poem.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structures. Many of the sentences in the poem are simple sentences, which can make the poem feel monotonous. Using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences could add variety and interest to the poem.

Overall, the poem has a strong foundation, but could be improved with some structural and thematic refinement.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Sun, 2024-03-10 22:44

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A series of thoughts while admiring the incredible night sky. I've been able to get away from light and noise pollution to enjoy and admire the stars, and the silence you describe is so noticeable and breathtaking. Very nice!
Thank you,
L

Jokerface82

Mon, 2024-03-11 08:39

Jokerface82's picture

Thank you !

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