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THE LAST RING

Submitted by Jokerface82 on Sat, 2024-03-09 15:08

Blood Detonated out from
my cheeks
in an splatter to the chipped

creamed wall.
The backhand print mark stung
my jaw.

It made my legs weaken fall.
Knocking the
Dial a phone pinging, spinning
to the floor.

The snaked rubber phone wire
fastened around

my neck. A necklace of death
.I'm gasping
for air.
Its demonic shadow grows
over me. It
looks with Sunken dead
eyes at my new

perplexion Im left with. A
sinister grin
breaks
its withdrawn boned face

to a curve of mischievous
delight as
it slowly
stumbles away.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 03/03/24 to 03/09/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-03-09 21:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem has a strong narrative and uses vivid imagery to convey a sense of violence and fear. However, there are several areas where it could be improved.

Firstly, the punctuation and grammar are inconsistent. For example, there are several instances of missing or misplaced punctuation, such as in the line "A necklace of death .I'm gasping for air." This disrupts the flow of the poem and can make it difficult for the reader to understand the intended meaning.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. The majority of the lines are short and choppy, which can create a sense of urgency but can also make the poem feel monotonous. Varying the length and structure of the sentences could help to create a more dynamic rhythm.

Lastly, the poem uses a lot of abstract language, particularly in the second half. While this can create a sense of mystery and intrigue, it can also make the poem feel vague and confusing. Consider using more concrete language to clearly convey the poem's narrative and themes.

In conclusion, this poem has a lot of potential, but could be improved with more consistent punctuation, varied sentence structure, and clearer language.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

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