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untitled

Submitted by leoferaco on Sun, 2023-07-30 22:00

I like book dedications
And layers of faux skin,
the smell of old paper
And the rustling of wind

I like the bustle of street cars
where people morph into crowds
throwing away common niceties
to make themselves loud

I watch as they scuffle toward little gates
That open and close nonsensicaly
I fight back a chuckle, even knowing
they watch me with the same intensity

But the winters are so uninspiring
And when I dig my mind for wisdom
I can only think

oh to be bedridden
And to know how to define words like faux
And ash and ostentatious or rash
To be a poet once more
When meter is long forgotten
and the rhymes within will clash

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Been starting to write again, sorry for my absence. this one doesn't have a title, any reccomendations?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week July 30th To August 5th 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-07-31 04:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem captures a sense of appreciation for book dedications, the tactile experience of old paper, and the atmosphere of bustling city streets. The use of imagery, such as the "layers of faux skin" and the "rustling of wind," adds depth to the poem.

One suggestion for improvement is to consider the overall structure and flow of the poem. While the first stanza sets up a clear theme of liking certain things, the subsequent stanzas seem to shift focus and introduce new elements without a clear connection. It would benefit the poem to establish a stronger narrative or progression to guide the reader through the different images and ideas.

Additionally, the line "But the winters are so uninspiring" feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem. Consider expanding on this idea or finding a way to tie it back to the themes introduced earlier.

Lastly, the final lines about being a poet again and the clash of rhymes could be further developed to provide a stronger conclusion to the poem. Explore how this

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2023-07-31 12:24

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the first lines were written just to show that you can write rhyme and meter
and then go on to write free verse? If so, you have succeeded in your quest.
However, the transformation to free verse is so slow, that one is tempted to think that you have
just gotten tired of conforming to the rules of rhyme and meter and decided to call this free verse just
to escape the tedium of work. Oh well, back to the drawing board. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

leoferaco

Mon, 2023-07-31 23:41

Hi Geezer,

I appreciate your feedback, I did not write the beginning with rhyme and meter to show that I can. I wrote what felt right and at the time it felt right to shift to free verse for a moment to say what needed to be said. I understand this may have caused inconsistency within the poem and I will review this. Also, I listed it as free verse because most of my work is free verse and I did it mainly by habit. Thanks again,

- leo

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Geezer

Tue, 2023-08-01 10:43

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I guess I sometimes get the sense that people use the free verse thing, because they get tired of doing the work that it takes to write a poem, and just want to go off on their own, saying that "It's free verse!" Maybe I just need a rest or something.
Thanks for taking the time to explain. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Mon, 2023-07-31 13:39

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Hello, Leo,
Very interesting! Listed as free verse, I can't help but feel the change in rhythm and rhyme structure was intentional, as your language suggests: "When meter is long forgotten, and the rhymes within will clash." I really like this when reading aloud, with a great pause right before the last two stanzas. The mood gradually changes throughout, and those last two stanzas throw away the rules as if searching for something more introspective. A poet in the winter reading or writing poetry - toss aside the rules and see what poetry reveals itself.
Thank you!
L

leoferaco

Mon, 2023-07-31 23:52

Thank you, Lavender,

when I think back to writing this poem I especially remember the phrase "I like book dedications" came to mind first and I wanted to continue writing in a reflective manner which led to the two stanzas where the poem reads as though the author is standing and people watching. The loss of structure in the second half was because I wanted to create the moment in the poem where the author reflects on their own thoughts. Hence, "I can only think: oh to be bedridden..." So I broke the rhyming pattern to say what I felt needed to be said. In hindsight, since this is the only part of the poem without a rhyming scheme I may try to make some edits to make it fit more nicely. But I do like your interpretation of the shift in the poem and so I am tempted to keep it like it is.

Also, its mostly just listed as "free verse" cuz most of my poems are free verse and I got used to checking it off that way haha

Thank you!

-leo

author comment

Triskelion

Tue, 2023-08-01 18:18

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I do remember that name, but will need to read some of your work to re-associate. I don't generally comment on free verse and maybe that's why. Anyway, welcome back..lol

So I read this over a few times and I sort of get a picture of someone getting their muse back on track, remembering the challenges that go along with writing poetry....winter being so uninspiring and all.

It reads as a kind of off-the-wall poem, so I'd like to suggest an off-the-wall title, if I may....
"Rhymes With Ash" and thanks for writing in rhyme.

Cheers.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

leoferaco

Thu, 2023-08-03 14:38

Thank you for the welcome back! I like your recommended title I might go with that after all. Also, your interpretation is spot on, I did write this during the winter when I was having some difficulties writing at all. Thanks again,

- leo

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