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be realistic

i wrote my number on a small sheet of paper for a woman of her kind to find
and as i stepped to the stage ready to make my break i knew i had forgotten the lines
so a crisp chill went down my spine
and my bones ached as i took my time to apologize
she told me babe don’t worry still, we’re all slackers at heart
but if you ever want to make it in this industry, you'll have to know how to play the part

i said,
oh, don’t worry. my soul is still in it
it filters through my fingers when the camera man says rolling
it dances in my body as i shake my legs hoping to expel it out of me,
trust my heart is still in it
it’s crawling up my knees and my back
i got two left feet and holes in my hat but that’ll never stop me from doing my set

Forget my mothers cries about money and pensions,
Oh please be realistic, is all she ever says
those must be her two favourite words
But a favourite pair of mine are “forget it!”

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
needs work, I want to work on the rhythm mainly
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Yes, I like this very much, seems to strike a chord somewhere. Yes there is room for improvement in the rhythm, I think by pruning several unnecessary words. e.g the 'ands' at the beginning of lines could go. I look forward to an edited version. Alex

Thank you! I'll keep that in mind about the 'ands' when I sit down to edit it!

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