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My Waning Sun
And i’ll tell you tomorrow
of the rumblings
The rumblings of an atheist
or a pessimists wife
I’ll tell you tomorrow
of the protests
of her father and son
Though she’d sooner call it a strife
I’ll tell you tomorrow
as the sun is now gone
And my veins seem to jump from my skin
Peering past the mountains, much far beyond
Hoping to catch the sun on a whim
I’ll even pray, just this once
If our sun would come out from hiding
On a cool fall morning I’d hope to confront
The sun, it’s warmth and good tidings
Tomorrow, I'll recount the pirate's winding sail
How he reached the shore and winced
Good men & bad men each subject to ailments
All but those who sang to the eclipse
But now the rocking of my chair has ceased
And the high seas swoosh past my ears
My eyes drift shut with ease
Even in his absence the pessimist lingers
I'll tell you tomorrow of the reckoning
and of this man’s wasted youth
How he took on a nautical sail
in the guise of a prophet or a sleuth
His nerves jumped from his skin
Indeed, I heard this sailor cry
As no storm could forgive
the life he’d left behind
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2023-12-07 05:41
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
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Triskelion
Thu, 2023-12-07 02:05
This piece..
..has an interesting mix of vocabulary that seems to drift in and out of the ether, almost like rolling waves gently rocking a boat. Not sure if that was your intention, but that's what I got out of it. I liked it.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
leoferaco
Sat, 2023-12-09 23:05
Hello Thomas,
Hello Thomas,
That is a perfect description and exactly as I intended it to be read. Thank you,
Leo
author commentleoferaco
Sat, 2023-12-09 23:05
Hello Thomas,
Hello Thomas,
That is a perfect description and exactly as I intended it to be read. Thank you,
Leo
author commentleoferaco
Sat, 2023-12-09 23:05
Hello Thomas,
Hello Thomas,
That is a perfect description and exactly as I intended it to be read. Thank you,
Leo
author commentleoferaco
Sat, 2023-12-09 23:05
Hello Thomas,
Hello Thomas,
That is a perfect description and exactly as I intended it to be read. Thank you,
Leo
author commentleoferaco
Sat, 2023-12-09 23:05
Hello Thomas,
Sorry about the accidental spam, I kept receiving errors that my comment was not being posted. My bad!
author commentLavender
Thu, 2023-12-07 19:25
My Waning Sun
Hello, Leo,
Such a mysterious feel to this - mesmerizing. An alluring intense, deep mood.
Thank you,
L
leoferaco
Sat, 2023-12-09 23:07
Thank you Lavender, I had a
Thank you Lavender, I had a lot of fun writing this one I added a lot more structure than I typically do.
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2023-12-12 04:54
Dear leo,
"From the rocking of the cradle to the rolling of the hearse,
The going up was worth the coming down!
(Kris Kristopherson)
I really enjoyed this poem. My favorite lines are:
I’ll even pray, just this once
If our sun would come out from hiding
On a cool fall morning i’d hope to confront
The sun, it’s warmth and good tidings
congratulations!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
leoferaco
Sat, 2024-01-20 23:27
Hello,
Hello,
Thank you for reading !
author commentWilliam Lynn
Tue, 2023-12-12 10:29
Hello Leo.
Hello Leo.
I too enjoyed the poem. I especially enjoyed the rhythm and I imagined you, or the person in the rocker, with eyes closed and perhaps a whimsical smile on their lips. Good job!
leoferaco
Sat, 2024-01-20 23:28
Hi William
Thank you for commenting, I love hearing how you visualized the poem!
author commentPoetry_thru_a_l...
Tue, 2023-12-26 08:12
Very nice poem
A great description of the tragedy of a young sailor with wishes of seeing the sun on bad days. The weather is renowned for changing dramatically.
leoferaco
Sat, 2024-01-20 23:28
Thank you for your kind
Thank you for your kind thoughts!
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2024-01-11 09:44
Dear Leo,
I liked it better before you made the changes. that is my honest and humble opinion. But it is your call.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
leoferaco
Thu, 2024-01-18 11:03
Noted! Just thought I would
Noted! Just thought I would play around with the punctuation but I can see it looks a bit busy. I'll fix it back, thanks for the feedback
author comment