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Too Good to be True

Submitted by Punkyfrewster on Tue, 2024-08-27 15:19

In my mind, it was bliss
day in and day out
until the day it ended.

In the rearview mirror,
I saw signs:
far-off gazes to nowhere
as we ate dinner
and stalled conversations
about your day.

All the bliss aside,
our love was just
too good to be true.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

08/24 Too Good to be True

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2024-08-27 21:20

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Too Good to be True" effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of loss and regret. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved for clarity and impact.

1. The poem could benefit from more specific imagery. For instance, "far-off gazes and stalled conversations" is a good start, but it could be more powerful if it was tied to a specific scene or moment. This would make the emotions more tangible to the reader.

2. The phrase "too good to be true" is a common cliché. While it's not always bad to use clichés, they can sometimes make a poem feel less original. Consider replacing this phrase with a more unique metaphor or description.

3. The structure of the poem is a bit disjointed, with short lines and stanzas. This can create a sense of fragmentation, which might be what you're going for. However, if you want the poem to flow more smoothly, consider combining some lines or stanzas.

4. The poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. This would give the poem a more musical quality, which can make it more enjoyable to read.

5. The poem's theme of regret and lost love is a universal one, but it could be made more unique with the addition of specific details or a unique perspective. Consider how you can make this theme feel fresh and original.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Wed, 2024-08-28 09:50