Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Sandstorm

Submitted by Punkyfrewster on Wed, 2024-09-11 12:55

Sitting under the boardwalk
out of the sun’s fiery rays
while the people above
celebrate the summer
with cotton candy and
caramel apples.
Sand rains down from
the treading above us.
Deciding to join the party,
we brave the sun’s rays.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

09/24 Under the boardwalk

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-09-11 19:00

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Sandstorm" effectively uses vivid imagery to depict a scene at a beach boardwalk. The choice of words such as "fiery rays," "cotton candy," and "caramel apples" paints a clear picture of a hot summer day and the joys associated with it.

However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of metaphor and symbolism. For example, the title "Sandstorm" suggests a chaotic or intense situation, but this is not fully explored or connected to the rest of the poem. The sand raining down could be developed further as a metaphor to create a deeper layer of meaning.

The poem could also delve deeper into the emotional or sensory experience of the characters. While the physical setting is well-described, the feelings and reactions of the characters are somewhat vague. The line "Deciding to join the party" could be expanded to give more insight into their motivations or hesitations.

Lastly, the poem's structure and rhythm could be refined. The lines vary significantly in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Experimenting with a more consistent line length or rhythm could enhance the overall reading experience.

Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong command of descriptive language and has the potential to create a more profound impact with further development of its metaphorical elements, character emotions, and structural consistency.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

Thu, 2024-09-12 09:04

Sandstorm

I thought the title is effective and works well with the rest of the poem and the overall theme.
An enjoyable read.
Especially like the closing line.
Thank you for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤