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They Were Here

Submitted by Punkyfrewster on Mon, 2024-08-19 15:50

Carefully, I constructed
our love.
Every screw and nail and bolt
was in place.
I knew it from top
to pink ivory bottom.
Eventually, our love
splintered, falling around our feet.
I was at a loss as to
how it could be anchored.
I searched for the instructions,
but I think
I must have
discarded them.
I mourn the loss
when I can't remember
how our love was
made strong.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
08/24 I Lost The Instructions
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-08-19 21:51

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "They Were Here" employs an extended metaphor of construction to explore the theme of love and loss. The metaphor is sustained throughout the poem, creating a cohesive narrative that allows the reader to follow the speaker's emotional journey.

However, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While the use of "screw", "nail", and "bolt" provides a concrete image, the poem could delve deeper into this construction metaphor to create a more vivid picture. For example, the type of material used (wood, metal, glass, etc.) could reflect the nature of the love being built.

The ending of the poem, where the speaker discards the instructions, could be expanded upon. This could be an opportunity to explore the speaker's regret or acceptance of the situation. The current ending leaves the reader wondering about the speaker's emotional state, and more clarity could strengthen the poem's impact.

The poem could also benefit from a more varied use of language. The word "love" is repeated three times, which can make the poem feel repetitive. Using synonyms or metaphors could help to keep the language fresh and engaging.

Lastly, the poem's structure is quite uniform, with each line containing roughly the same number of syllables. Experimenting with line length could create a more dynamic rhythm and mirror the ups and downs of the speaker's emotional journey.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Leslie

Tue, 2024-08-20 08:44

Leslie's picture

Good luck making instructions for perfect love. Good poem, but I don't think they ever existed. Maybe that is the point if so
more power to you. Please comment on mine.

All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!

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