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Suggestion

Submitted by One on Tue, 2023-11-07 15:58

A dense cloud of anxiousness drenches my being
My vision blurs as toxic tears prevent me seeing
I want to scream, but then swallow it down
My fake facade tries to smile, but displays a frown
Why misery drags me to my knees; I just don’t know
I search for an answer, but have forgot the question
There’s many possibilities, but I’m open to suggestion

A thick mist of nervousness destroys my contrition
My brain fogs as lethal waves build my suspicion
I need to shout, but then gag on the word
My fake veneer discloses a mind, lost and absurd
Why misery drags me to the floor; I just don’t know
I trawl for an answer, but can’t recall the question
There’s many possibilities, but I’m open to suggestion

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-11-07 22:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Suggestion" explores the theme of internal struggle and the search for answers in the face of misery. The use of vivid imagery, such as the dense cloud of anxiousness and the toxic tears, effectively conveys the speaker's emotional state. The repetition of certain phrases, such as "I just don't know" and "I'm open to suggestion," adds emphasis and creates a sense of uncertainty.

One suggestion for improvement would be to vary the imagery and language used throughout the poem. While the current imagery effectively conveys the speaker's emotions, it could be strengthened by incorporating a wider range of sensory details. Additionally, consider using more specific and concrete language to further engage the reader.

Another aspect to consider is the structure of the poem. Currently, the poem consists of two stanzas with similar patterns and themes. To enhance the overall flow and impact of the poem, you might consider experimenting with different stanza lengths or incorporating additional poetic devices, such as enjambment or rhyme

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Tue, 2023-11-07 16:34

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Nothing like finding your way home.

I feel like I've been standing in rush-hour traffic
with cars zooming by inches away. Don't know why, but that is what I got.
It does sound to me, like some old rapping kind of rhythm.

A little enigmatic, and not being sure of what you are thinking...
I hesitate to offer any suggestions.
Nice to see you writing, ~ Geez.
.

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One

Sun, 2023-11-12 08:27

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Neopoet isn’t my home.

I popped in to see what the Neopoet AI bot was like.

One

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2023-11-12 19:36

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you will have to post a new one to get a read from the AI. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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