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Wax

Submitted by One on Sat, 2022-06-25 04:00

I rose up against my demons
But they beat me back down
I defiantly laughed in their face
So they destroyed me with not a further trace

From splashes to ashes
And mistrust to dust
I perish and enter the earth
Awaiting rebirth

And so gradually my flame dies
Into a grey pulp of ash and wax
Life slowly leaves me
Sliding and oozing between the open cracks

And so I rapidly burn down
Into dying embers of wax and ash
Heat slowly leaves me
Dripping between the cracks with a final splash

I stood up against my demons
They threw me to the ground
I violently rebelled in their face
And so they burnt me in the Devil's fireplace

From clashes to ashes
And disgust to dust
I perish and enter the earth
With no ounce of worth

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Sat, 2022-06-25 04:26

dearest One,

the first thing I noticed was your one word title (Wax) I knew that you would take the word, thread it through the poem and then bring it home. (and you did)
there is one line that feels clunky:

(So they burnt me in the Devil's fireplace) it throws off the rhythm and balance of the verse. my favorite lines are:
And so gradually my flame dies
Into a grey pulp of ash and wax
Life slowly leaves me
Sliding and oozing down between the open cracks

good work over all!

*hugs, Sis

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Rosewood Apothecary

Sat, 2022-06-25 08:12

Could be…

I stood up against my demons
They threw me to the ground
I violently rebelled in their face
“And found” the Devil's fireplace

It tightens that verse up a lot, makes it snappy.
Just a suggestion and there’s a better 2 syllable word out there the means “to find”.

One

Tue, 2022-06-28 04:25

Rosewood

Thanks for your read & comment.

As I have explained to Cat, the piece is a lyric & I have written the lines specifically to have a particular vocal delivery in mind, especially with the long last lines of hopefully 11 syllables.

Thanks,

One.

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

One

Tue, 2022-06-28 04:22

Sis,

I have always ever only written one word titles. I've written over 800 pieces & they are all one word titles.

The line that feels clunky is designed specifically as a vocal & should, if I can count be 11 syllables long for vocal delivery.

Thanks as always for the read & comment,

regards

One.

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2022-06-25 10:04

Hmmmmm...

I am torn between getting all philosophical and admiration for a double- meaning, [I would use the word, entendre, but feel it is not quite what you meant]. I felt the pain of this poor soul. You have done very well with the rhyming and I find little fault with the texture of the theme. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Ray Whitaker

Fri, 2022-07-01 13:31

Really nice piece

Such an incredible portrayal of angst and anguish, pain and resignation.

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Wax