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Something I Want To Say

Submitted by William Lynn on Thu, 2023-11-16 11:00

Well, here we are again, just you and me.
I don't know how many times we've talked,
I suppose it's in the tens of thousands.

This time I have something I want to say.
Something that I've meant to say so often
yet, found that the time was never right.

Here it is: I love you, and your endless beauty.
I have loved you rain or shine, night and day.
Each new day I love you more, if that is possible.

You were with me as a scared young man
in a jungle far away and always after. You,
looking down, shining your comforting light.

You have guided me when I was lost.
At night, your moon controlled the tides and
as I drifted aimlessly, you found me safe harbor.

The time I feel you love most profoundly is
that time between dusk and dawn. It is there
where the magic between us comes alive.

This common place full of visual delights
that only your moon, your stars, and your
richly textured shadows can provide.

I know you share your love with many others.
Yet, each new day I look into your face and feel
your love, reserved for only me. Love, always.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
November 2023 Challenge Write a Love Letter To The Sky
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-11-16 17:01

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "Something I Want To Say," utilizes a conversational tone, which effectively humanizes the speaker and creates a sense of intimacy. This approach allows the reader to connect with the speaker's emotions and experiences. However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While the speaker mentions the moon, stars, and shadows, these are broad and common images. More unique and specific imagery could help to create a more vivid and engaging experience for the reader.

Secondly, the poem's rhythm and meter could be more consistent. The lines vary significantly in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Establishing a more consistent rhythm could enhance the poem's musicality and make it more enjoyable to read.

Finally, the poem's theme of love is universal, but it could be explored in a more unique or unexpected way. The speaker's love is described in very traditional terms, such as being there in times of need and providing comfort. Introducing a new perspective or unexpected twist could make the poem more engaging and memorable.

In summary, while the poem effectively uses a conversational tone to create a sense of intimacy, it could be improved by incorporating more specific imagery, establishing a more consistent rhythm, and exploring its theme of love in a more unique or unexpected way.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

Tue, 2023-11-21 05:09

Ruby Lord's picture

I've been reading this for a couple of days now as I absorbed over time, distance and through different times of the day. It's charm captivates the reader and I could see the love affair across the sky open up to your words. Great job, Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

William Lynn

Fri, 2023-11-24 00:22

William Lynn's picture

Hello Ruby. Thank you for taking the time to read and for your comments. Yes, I am a sucker for a beautiful sky. Fortunately I live in a fairly remote area and the nighttime skies are magnificent.

All my best, Will

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Candlewitch

Tue, 2023-11-21 10:54

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At first, I thought this was a poem written about a love affair. But reading through, I was more of the frame of mind that it was personal to your faith and love for your higher power. It is well written and I feel the security and joy you are feeling! I cannot chose favorite lines because I love it all. I am very glad for you in your devout feelings and attitude! I think you are blessed. Nice title, and I really like that it is written in Tercetes.

*hugs, Cat

*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

William Lynn

Fri, 2023-11-24 00:26

William Lynn's picture

Hi Cat.

I actually wrote the poem as a response to the challenge of "Love letter to the sky". However, I did want it to be read as though I was writing to a lost or current love until the reader realized where I was headed. In truth, it was a love letter, as I do love the sky both day and night.

Than you for your comments and for taking the time to comment.

Best Wishes, Will

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