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Shalom

Submitted by Kristen H. on Sat, 2022-08-20 22:15

I need you to speak.
Your affection I crave.
Your love is what I seek,
but to ask –is to misbehave.

I’m trapped in this prison,
afraid and alone.
You walk by my cell,
the place I call home.

We are passersby,
strangers at best.
Your name is mother,
mine is suppressed.

Forever I walk
away from my home.
I need to escape you,
I need my shalom.

I walk to the park
and I sit by the stream.
Hours pass by
while I think and I dream
of the life I would live
if I could just get away,
but home is where you are,
so home is where I stay.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Just a poem about something that happened when I was 17 years old.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week Contest August 21st to August 27th 2022
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Kristen H.

Sun, 2022-08-21 06:56

Kristen H.'s picture

Wow! These are great suggestions! Thank you so much! I'll try it out and see how it feels to read it. :)

Some of my poems have been about my mother such as "Fear", "Devastated", and "Healing Poem". Writing about my experiences is how I cope with things.

Thanks again! :)

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Kristen H.

Sun, 2022-08-21 20:55

Kristen H.'s picture

I did make changes as you suggested. I added the dash and changed the word in the fourth stanza. Instead of using "forget" I used "escape". I did decide to keep the same structure as before as it didn't quite suit the poem as I had expected. Thank you for the suggestions!!

author comment

RoseBlack

Mon, 2022-08-22 18:51

RoseBlack's picture
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I am with Alan and was pleasantly surprised that this was about Mother rather than a love interest. This resonated with me on an emotional level.

:)

~RoseBlack~

Kristen H.

Mon, 2022-08-22 20:40

Kristen H.'s picture

Thankfully, my love interest is good to me so I have no need to escape or feel the way this poem describes. I'm sorry that this resonated with you. Like I told Alan, some of my poems are about my mother rather than a love interest, etc. Writing is how I cope and grow and let go of the feelings.

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