Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

SECRET EDEN

Plodding a summer hardwood hollow
with sweat-drenched brow and aching knee
any trail's too dim to follow
in midst of dense humidity

In claustrophobic world of green
enclosed by solid canopy of leaves
barely stirred by breeze unseen
the only wind a mere faint tease

A cloud of gnats all seek my eyes
kindred mosquitos want my blood
and there's a tic, no great suprise
I'm lost in an insectile flood

Even a stump where I might rest
is actually a fire ant home
and deer flies bite my back and chest
when they can't reach my sweaty dome

It's even worse in sunny dell
where sun burns skin and blinds my eyes
and feels like a foretaste of hell
masked in sweltering southern guise

And even yet I plod along
as woods seem to draw much closer in
I ignore the birds and lilting song
determination's wearing thin

What a fool I surely am
trekking these woods in stifling heat
I step into stumphole, damn!
a broken leg would be a treat

At last first hint of final goal
a hint of cool mist on my face
from a small but robust shoal
along a tiny brook's steep trace

The growth gives way to sandy bank
surrounding a small clear cold pool
being sweaty, smelly.....rank
I splash right in like an old fool

And lie in there just for a while
then exit and doff all but shorts
hang clothes on branches, sit and smile
no longer feeling out of sorts

A spot of sun a a stone cleft
feels good now as I slowly dry
enjoying what Time I have left
beside this Eden 'neath blue sky

I nearly doze off, but not quite
while watching highest limb tips sway
then I dress and stand upright
My truck still sits a mile away

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

No, Stan, not a book. An actual agenda by our goventment, to "herd" the people to the cities, and take over urban property. not a good thing. would force us to live in the city, and be forced to live as dictated by the government. Sounds far out, but its been going on little by little, and as usual, the people are not paying attention. it's not only here in US. Could be other countries, too. there are organizations out there that fully understand what this is about, and are trying to fight it.

Linda

He who conquers self , has won a great battle

OK OK! I got it the first time lmao.............stan

author comment

I shall only read you hence...

loved

Best you not restrict yourself so lestyou miss some Real poetry lol. Thanks for stopping by...........stan

author comment

Oh ouch, I really expected a terrible ending where you were
caught by something in the water, or got blood suckers or something.

Only the second verse slightly worried me on its second line rhythm-wise.

"alond a tiny brook's steep trace" Alond?

OH Summer's on its way, and I think so are the mosquitoes this year,
it was too wet for them last year I think they drowned!!!!
Wet wet wet it was, so all my poems were about the wet.

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Next time I'll get attacked by a land shark lol. I ried a minor change in S-2,L-2. And those damned typos! I guess that's why proofreaders stay in business because too often the writer sees what he means instead of what's there.Thanks for taking time to read and comment.........stan

author comment

I don't know about "epic" but it takes a while to describe the miseries that can be encountered in the mid-summer southern woods. ( and I didn't even mention snakes, chiggers and poison ivy lol). Thanks for walking with me............stan

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.