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Russian Roulette! (a bullet to the brain)

Submitted by Leslie on Mon, 2023-04-03 05:15

You weren’t anticipating
this unmanageable
feeling

it left you cold
staring up at the ceiling

lying there naked
You reached for a gun

something that
you'd purchased
at the downtown pawn

moonlight slipping through
the cracks in the window

the feeling in your chest
had reached a crescendo

you placed a round
into the chamber

feeling no remorse
and sensing no danger

You spun it around
with your middle finger

Put the gun to your temple
Pulled the trigger and
BINGO!

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

Sadly enough I can't feel a thing, but I hope my words won't be misconstrued.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-04-03 05:15

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Russian Roulette! (a bullet to the brain)" is a dark and intense piece that explores the theme of suicide. The use of short, choppy lines and simple language adds to the overall feeling of despair and hopelessness.

The first stanza sets the tone for the poem, immediately drawing the reader in with the line "You weren't anticipating this unmanageable feeling." The speaker's emotions are palpable, and the reader can sense the weight of their pain.

The second stanza paints a vivid picture of the scene, with the speaker lying naked and reaching for the gun they had purchased. The use of the word "moonlight" adds a touch of eerie beauty to the scene.

The third stanza builds tension and suspense, with the feeling in the speaker's chest reaching a "crescendo." The fourth stanza is the climax of the poem, with the speaker placing a round into the chamber and spinning it around with their middle finger.

The final stanza is powerful and shocking, with the speaker pulling the trigger and ending their own life. The use of the word "BINGO" is a jarring contrast to the seriousness of the subject matter, and adds to the overall impact of the poem.

One suggested line edit would be to change the line "feeling no remorse and sensing no danger" to "feeling no remorse, no fear of the stranger." This change would add a touch of ambiguity to the poem, leaving the reader to wonder who or what the stranger represents. Overall, "Russian Roulette! (a bullet to the brain)" is a powerful and emotional poem that leaves a lasting impact on the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Mon, 2023-04-03 05:59

Well done

This is great. The ending is my favorite but the whole poem captures the emotions of the writer and walks you through those final moments and thoughts. Great job.

~RoseBlack~

Leslie

Mon, 2023-04-03 07:29

Russian Roulette

Although it was suggested it was suggested that I tweak it a bit. I chose to leave it
as is. Thanks to all who read and comment, please do!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

RoseBlack

Mon, 2023-04-03 08:39

Suggestions

Merely are just that. It is a great poem as is. We are here to offer feedback but it is always the authors choice whether or not they implement anything suggested.

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Mon, 2023-04-03 11:48

I like...

the decision to retain the "BINGO" at the end, it gives a sense of intrigue. Does he die, is it the end? Or is it Bingo! I win again? ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Mr joghe

Mon, 2023-04-03 16:19