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Runaway brain

Submitted by Leslie on Tue, 2024-04-16 08:11

I hear it coming
my runaway brain.
The deafening thunder
like a long black train.
Caught like a shoe
under the track.
The wheels are turning
and there's no going back.
A thousand verbal options
like mental spittle.
Create a crescendo
at the bottom of a bottle.
I've nowhere to go
with nowhere left to stand.
Humiliation makes
a merciless demand,
but come tommorow
I will rise again.
To face another day
and do it all again!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Tue, 2024-04-16 14:11

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Runaway brain" presents a vivid depiction of mental struggle and resilience. It employs a range of metaphors and similes to convey the sense of a mind in turmoil, which can be highly effective in engaging the reader's emotions.

However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement. For instance, the line "Caught like a shoe under the track" could be made clearer. The metaphor may not immediately resonate with readers as it requires a leap of understanding. It might be beneficial to explore more universally understood metaphors or provide some context that allows the reader to grasp the intended meaning more readily.

The line "A thousand verbal options like mental spittle" is another area that could be clarified. The comparison of "verbal options" to "mental spittle" is somewhat abstract and may not immediately communicate the intended message to the reader. Revisiting this metaphor with the aim of enhancing clarity could improve the overall impact of the poem.

The rhythm and rhyme scheme of the poem are generally consistent, which aids in creating a sense of flow. However, the final two lines, "To face another day and do it all again!" disrupt this pattern. Consider revising these lines to maintain the established rhythm and rhyme scheme for a more cohesive reading experience.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more thorough exploration of the speaker's emotional journey. While the poem does touch on feelings of humiliation and resilience, these emotions could be further developed to create a deeper connection with the reader.

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Geezer

Tue, 2024-04-16 10:30

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the way that a lot of people start and end each day. You have described the tumult,
the emotional tangle that makes life difficult. I have a picture of you telling yourself that you have to get your drinking under control, and that tomorrow, you will get up and keep trying. Maybe I have gotten it all wrong; it could be that you are the victim of some horrible abuse. Either way, I wish you well, and would like to see you make this piece clearer. ~ Geez.
.

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Lavender

Tue, 2024-04-16 13:10

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Hello, Leslie,
Your poetry is getting stronger. There's a lot of emotion in this fairly brief piece. I really like the running train symbolism and theme.
Thank you!
L

Leslie

Tue, 2024-04-16 13:13

Leslie's picture

I will clarify this for you. I don't have a drinking problem and though this poem is typical of everyone in some ways. However
individuals who battle mental ilness deserve some recognition. Maybe everyone, to some extent has bipolar or schizophrenia
depression etc., but when they loose their ability to live safely in society it then becomes an item that everyone needs to take notice of. Because these individuals are human beings something must be done and so medications are prescribed
to control their impulsive behaviors and though it is sad it is true. We cannot get into another mans head and judge
whether or not they are capable of control without meds. I myself would be institutioalized without them. If their is a different way to describe the plight of these individuals please help me to do it because I want this information to be received correctly.
I am only trying to illuminate the truth in writing this.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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Leslie

Tue, 2024-04-16 17:06

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You are so kind to me and I always appreciate your encouraging words!!!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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