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All that you can be!

Submitted by Leslie on Wed, 2024-04-17 17:23

Our future grows within us
like leaves upon a tree.
Look beyond your finite view
into eternity.
Cast aside your paradigmn
open your eyes to see.
The truth as it exists,
in tommorrows yet to be.
Give your hopes and dreams
the power to suceed.
Release the gift within your heart
and bless humanity!
The time is here and now
to make a firm decree!
To make the most of what you have
be all that you can be!

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-04-17 23:23

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "All that you can be!" is a motivational piece that encourages readers to look beyond their current circumstances and embrace their potential. It uses a variety of poetic devices to convey its message.

The metaphor of the future growing "like leaves upon a tree" is effective in illustrating the concept of potential and growth. However, the phrase "Look beyond your finite view into eternity" could be clarified. While the intention seems to be encouraging readers to have a long-term perspective, the concept of eternity can be overwhelming and abstract. A more concrete image or metaphor could make this idea more accessible.

The use of the word "paradigm" is a bit jarring in the context of the poem. While it is a term used in scientific and philosophical discussions, it might not be immediately understood by all readers. Consider replacing it with a more universally comprehensible word.

The phrase "The truth as it exists in tomorrows yet to be" is a bit awkward. Consider revising for clarity and ease of reading.

The poem uses a rhyme scheme, which gives it a rhythmic quality. However, there are places where the rhythm stumbles due to the number of syllables in a line. For example, "Release the gift within your heart and bless humanity!" has more syllables than the other lines, which disrupts the rhythm. Consider revising for consistency.

Finally, the poem's message is positive and inspiring, but it could benefit from more specific imagery or examples. This would help readers to connect more deeply with the poem's themes.

Overall, the poem has a strong foundation and a clear message. With some revisions for clarity, rhythm, and specificity, it could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Thu, 2024-04-18 10:07

Other than...

a few missteps in punctuation and some lines that I think need a bit of change,
this is nice, engaging poem that calls out humanity and begs for healing.

I like the non-preachy way that you bring our bias and prejudice into question. Nicely done sir. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

zuella

Thu, 2024-04-18 10:21

This is wondrous! I love it

-Zuella

The normal fear the poets and the poets fear the normal.
Thank you for your time!
-Zuella

Leslie

Thu, 2024-04-18 13:18

Geez

I'm glad you liked it, but I haven't a clue how to fix it?

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2024-04-18 13:51

Here are...

some lines that you might smooth out.

open your eyes, that you might see.

The truth as it exists,
in tomorrows yet to be.

The time is here and now.
this moment by decree;

to make the most of what you've got
be all that you can be!

Just the way that I would do it.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Geezer

Fri, 2024-04-19 09:16

Much smoother...

I love it! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Neopoet

All that you can be!