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Johnny Come Home Again...

Submitted by Geezer on Wed, 2024-05-08 09:54

He stands just a little straighter,
throws his once strong shoulders back.
He hears, "My Country Tis of Thee"
his handsome face, no longer slack.

Wounded in his defiant mind,
he was left blind upon the field.
All of him did not come home,
and his brave heart won't ever yield.

He spends silent days still fighting,
for his faceless God and country
His tired, worn wife still tends him,
she's praying, "Please come back to me."

"One day, he may awake" she says,
"I'll get my brave Johnny back."
"We'll have our baby, build our house,
get our wrecked lives back on track."

A long thirty years come and gone,
she's waited all this lonely time.
She and Johnny are still holding,
while their fruit withers on the vine.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
How to use imagery in poetry..
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-05-08 16:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses imagery and emotional language to convey the story of Johnny, a wounded soldier, and his wife. The use of consistent rhyme and meter helps to create a rhythmic flow, which enhances the storytelling aspect of the poem.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The phrase "faceless God and country" is somewhat ambiguous. If the intention is to convey Johnny's disillusionment or loss of faith, it might be more effective to make this clearer.

In addition, the line "while their fruit withers on the vine" is a powerful metaphor, but it might be more impactful if the poem had previously established the significance of this metaphor. For example, earlier in the poem, it could mention their hopes for a family or their existing children to make the metaphor at the end more poignant.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more show and less tell in certain parts. For example, instead of stating "his brave heart won't ever yield," it could depict actions or thoughts that demonstrate his unyielding spirit. This would allow the reader to infer his bravery, making the character more engaging and the poem more immersive.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Izzi Reinier

Wed, 2024-05-08 20:25

beautifully written , just simply a magnificent piece . ...inspirational.
kindest regards
Izzi

Geezer

Wed, 2024-05-08 21:40

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This is the rewrite of the Johnny Come Home... for the workshop. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geezer.
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author comment

scribbler

Sun, 2024-05-12 17:22

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I see nothing I'd change.

Rula

Mon, 2024-05-13 03:56

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Stan says
Great job indeed especially with rhyme and rhythm

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William Lynn

Wed, 2024-05-15 10:45

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Hello Geezer.

A wonderfully written poem. As a veteran who had his issues when he returned home, I truly appreciate this homage.

All my best! - Will

Geezer

Thu, 2024-05-16 09:34

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I never served, but I know plenty of those that have. I was also friends with a lot of the older vets from the second WW, and Korea, when I used to stop by the Vet's Home, before they closed it up. Now, it is down in Albany, and I can't get there to make friends, but it makes me glad that I could gain your appreciation. Thank you, Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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