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Rickshaw

Submitted by Indivisible_Origin on Wed, 2023-02-22 20:06

tracks bend and shift
trains barely miss
the poet that'll punch
who she wants
pulling is the answer
to a question unasked
a quaint notion
from a world without war
love is the line
she couldn't find
in the sand
on this lonely shore
loaded means fired
threats meant as dire
fail to fall on ears
deafened in death
mute was the sound
of the bullets inbound
robbed of life
without one worthy breath

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Lavender

Wed, 2023-02-22 20:30

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Hello, IO,
I will not say I understand your poem completely, but I can tell you how it makes me feel: the loss of innocence - of this person, the world, our lives. Such depth, it hurts.
L

Indivisible_Origin

Wed, 2023-02-22 20:56

Indivisible_Origin's picture

This has been the term coined by writing comrades of mine to describe a style I slip into with frequency. You can't get away from the denotation of my word choice but they are often in this style chosen far more for the ensemble effect they will have both in the sound you'd hear were your tongue to touch your lips in reading my work aloud and the overall landscape they paint. They mean just enough to paint an emotion I am aiming to convey to the reader and that is their utility to me. That's their color in the landscape. Words no longer hindered in being defined by their limitations alone. Then the reader makes their own stories with the blanks that are left, and the stories, if I've done my job, have the common thread of that emotion I've conveyed. Thank you for reading. Thank your sharing. There is loss here. Like the dyad that drives the rickshaw after it loses one.

author comment

Lavender

Wed, 2023-02-22 22:07

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This poem shows such a raw view of the world, but it is beautiful in the sense that it acknowledges the uncomfortable, actually puts the reader in the moment, along with the suffering. I've read much of your work, and this one left me quite moved. Perfect title.
L

Candlewitch

Thu, 2023-02-23 07:55

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I agree with Lavender.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Thu, 2023-02-23 09:53

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Not a final secure, firm thought with a message, but the flow, with eddies and swirls. I got the emotion, I'll worry about what it means later. Thanks, ~ Geezer.
.

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