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Red Brother

Thank you for your service,
Your guidance and your grace.
Thank you for our history.
Your welcome to this place

Next time I go to Bingo,
I will truly look around.
I know of your museums,
Yet I play on sacred ground.

Thank you for your culture,
Your people's Benediction.
Thank you for your patience,
Forgive us our condition.

I wrote this as my personal poetic thought s upon Native American Week just last month. Will be nice to see what others think of my thoughts.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

i really like the title
excellent rhyme
great meter but there are a couple of lines I feel are slightly ‘off’
.
‘‘I will truly look around’ – meter out (to my ear I stress)
maybe shorten ‘I will’ -- ‘I’ll truly look around’
also ‘truly’ sounds strange to me in this context – even though I know what you mean,
does ‘carefully’ say the same thing for you?
‘I’ll carefully look around’ ?

‘And that I play on sacred ground’ – again – meter out
perhaps if you did something with the previous line to lead into this one it might read better?
my suggestion….
‘I know by your museums,
I intrude on sacred ground.
(or 'i play on sacred ground' if you want to keep 'play')

I really like the finish
‘Thank you for your patience,
Forgive us our condition’

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Good title! It sets the tone for the poem. I found that this sentence bothered me a little bit:

And that I play on sacred ground.

I think you could remove the word "that" as it seems to be unnecessary. Other than that the poem flows very well with an easy rhymes scheme. I really like the first verse and how it drew me into the poem:

Thank you for your service,
Your guidance and your grace.
Thank you for our history.
Your welcome to this place

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I am reminded each time I find a stone spear point of arrow head that these forests I love so much have been inhabited for 1000's of years before we got here. I really liked this. About the only change I'd make is to correct your to you're in line 4. The meter might be slightly off here and there but in my opinion it adds to the natural feeling flow of this..........................stan

I gave your suggestion to change the your in my piece however I am taunted that it would give off the impression of you are, which to me makes no sense . I apologize if this sits uneasy with you but it truly has it's place as I see it.

Tommi

Tommi Cordial

Dawn breaks over marble head...

author comment

I would like to thank you all for choosing my piece to comment upon. I took all your suggestion into consideration and have re-edited the4th line of the 2nd verse from And that I to Yet I play on sacred ground. Hopefully this will sit better on the palette.

Tommi

Tommi Cordial

Dawn breaks over marble head...

author comment
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