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Hold Up

Submitted by Tommi Cordial on Fri, 2012-06-15 22:17

Hold up!
Wait there

See the people
stop and stare

standing frozen
hand in pot

cleverly guising
his shifty plot

slowly moving
trying to leave

surely he see's it
the bread in your sleeve.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

BlueDemon77

Tue, 2012-06-19 04:18

BlueDemon77's picture

It tells me alot (the picture flows outside the words). I see the scene you are setting and the only things I would say make things a little unclear is the use of "guising". I know often nouns are used in verb form but it did distract me in this piece. Kudos to the effective use of minimalism to paint a tableau.

Ron
Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Tommi Cordial

Tue, 2012-06-19 17:17

Tommi Cordial's picture

I'm glad you noticed the metaphor but did you notice the theft of the word? i sneaked it in not took it out. Only a poet would know it :)

Tommi Cordial

Dawn breaks over marble head...

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