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Ramming Speed!
Unfortunately, the swing sets and
Softball field were down hill from school.
Where daily dramas were played out
under the eyes of an appointed fool.
A pop fly ended our turns at bat
deciding the ending of this game.
We gathered up our softball gear to go
back up to school, like any day, the same.
I was the last kid to dust off and go,
I spotted Carlotta Forbes, up mid hill.
A boulder in a dress blocking me in my path
It was assured one of us would take a spill...
This girl was nuts and a big bully slob
last week she drove a pencil through sis's hand...
There she stood, planted, trying to stare me down
nothing to it but to show her my personal sand.
Getting up that long dirt hill was a must
Carlotta stood, mocking me for a skinny twerp.
Something came over me, I was no longer afraid
I readied myself to go up and settle this Jerk.
Tucking my neck and shoulders, lowering my head
gathering my legs under me I took off like a shot,
barreling up that hill. picking up speed all the way
she was just a target, I was feeling so very 'hot'
I slammed into her like a wrecking ball hits a wall
She went down with a thud, her face a bright red blank.
Sitting there trying to catch her breath again
her face scrunched up as her pride and bluster sank!
I reclaimed my air with longer and longer breaths
then it hit me just what I had done, and what I would do
"never threaten me or my sister again, or you will hurt"
looking up at me, I saw hatred growing, glowing anew!
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
*this is a real memory
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Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-03-07 15:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Ramming Speed! (Carlotta Forbes)" is a narrative piece that effectively uses vivid imagery and a strong sense of place to depict a schoolyard confrontation. The progression of the narrative is clear and the tension builds effectively towards the climax of the poem.
However, there are several areas where the poem could be improved. Firstly, the rhythm and meter of the poem are inconsistent, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow. The poet might consider revising the poem with a consistent meter in mind to improve the flow of the narrative.
Secondly, the use of language and description could be more nuanced. While the poem does a good job of painting a picture of the scene, the descriptions of the characters are somewhat one-dimensional. For example, the character of Carlotta is described as a "boulder in a dress" and a "big bully slob". These descriptions are effective in conveying her physical presence and demeanor, but they do not provide much insight into her character or motivations. The poet might consider adding more depth to the character of Carlotta to make the conflict more engaging for the reader.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more use of figurative language. The poet uses similes in a few places, such as when the narrator is described as hitting Carlotta "like a wrecking ball hits a wall". This is a powerful image, but the poem could be even more engaging with the addition of more metaphors, similes, and other forms of figurative language.
In summary, while the poem effectively tells a story and creates a strong sense of place, it could be improved by refining the rhythm and meter, adding more depth to the character descriptions, and incorporating more figurative language.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Alex Tanner
Fri, 2024-03-08 11:59
Hello Cat.
Loved this, I hope you put the boot in as you went past. Alex
Candlewitch
Fri, 2024-03-08 15:33
dear Alex,
it resulted in a broken arm for her. I was reprimanded. My Dad met with the school board and gave them the boot, lol!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2024-03-10 17:33
lol
I noticed that bullies are the first to start whining when they are given a dose of their own medicine
Candlewitch
Mon, 2024-03-11 17:21
Absolutely Stan,
and the bigger the harder they fall! When encountering a group of bullies, take out the biggest one first. Then watch the rest scatter!
* hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentLeslie
Mon, 2024-03-11 18:15
Cat...
I hate bully's but deal with them in a different way and have for the longest time. I've collected a number of responses
which almost always includes a portion of money. More power to you on that day you put her in her place and got
away safe. I loved the feeling of revenge as I read. Great job!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-03-12 11:04
Thank You Leslie,
for the read and comment. I despise bullies of any sort. they bully to make themselves feel better about their own plight. They are pathetic!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentUnca Fez
Tue, 2024-03-12 15:56
Surprise!
It must have been quite a surprise for her to end up on her butt with a broken arm from the "little twep". It took a great deal of courage and/or recklessness to charge up that hill. I wonder? Did Carlotta learn anything?
Thanx,
Steve
Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-03-13 08:16
yes she did...
she learned to fear me and hate me, making her most treacherous. I learned to watch my back!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentMary Beth Magee
Mon, 2024-04-08 18:31
Well done -
Both the poem and the payback! I often wished I had the courage to deal with bullies as you did. I love the passion and imagery in your verse!
Thank you,
Mary Beth
Because your words have touched my heart,
I stopped to share a little part.
Be nice, supportive, kind to all
As we walk through this Poetry Hall.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-04-09 06:58
Dear Mary Beth,
It is really great to meet you! Now-a-days, my battles are verbal and cerebral, as I am much older and use a wheelchair to get around outside the house. thank you for reading and commenting on my poem!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentLeslie
Thu, 2024-04-11 01:09
Cat
We had our own Carlotta. The biggest damn kid in 2nd grade.We all were in fear, but no one ever got the best of her! I love the feeling of revenge having had a few run ins of my own. In any event I apologize for not commenting as of late. I've had lots of downs lately Dr.s fucking with meds without telling me. I wrote the one in the stream with you in mind.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-04-11 16:07
Hello Leslie!
So you had your own blubber-ball of fun named Carlotta! When I rammed her I broke her arm and sh scrapped her butt on the ground taking off skin! I do not know why this girl had in in for me, but she loved picking on me. thanks for reading and commenting, I appreciate it!
what is the title of the poem you want me to read?
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentLeslie
Fri, 2024-04-12 06:30
Cat...
The one I was thinking of was spectres release!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!