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This Poem

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Sun, 2023-06-04 05:22

This poem is a locust cloud,
a sacrilegious sinner’s shroud
that pours its poison on the page
and rains with ruthless, righteous rage.

Though maybe it’s a cry for help,
a coyote’s howl or puppy’s yelp.
Or it’s a case of: quite absurd,
to waste the worthy written word.

And poetry’s a poor excuse
for pent-up pain to be let loose.
A poet, out of shame or pride,
should, in his soul, let sorrows hide.

Yet poetry’s a tasteless tear,
a fragment of a frantic fear
in stanzas, formed from furtive flood,
that bleeds, with ink, its precious blood.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Please, any title suggestions???
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-06-04 11:22

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Your poem "This Poem" is a well-crafted piece that employs vivid imagery and a unique perspective on the nature of poetry. The use of metaphors like "locust cloud" and "sacrilegious sinner's shroud" add depth and complexity to the poem. Additionally, the contrast between "coyote's howl or puppy's yelp" and "pent-up pain" creates an interesting tension that keeps the reader engaged.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider the pacing of the poem. While the first stanza is strong and sets the tone for the rest of the piece, the second stanza feels a bit rushed and could benefit from more development. Also, the final stanza is powerful, but the transition from the previous stanza could be smoother.

Overall, "This Poem" is a thought-provoking piece that challenges traditional notions of poetry and offers a fresh perspective. Keep up the good work!

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

Sun, 2023-06-04 06:15

Ruby Lord's picture

Good job.

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Blue-eyed Bolla

Thu, 2023-06-08 05:57

Blue-eyed Bolla's picture

Many thanks

KBloor

author comment

Lavender

Sun, 2023-06-04 09:04

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Beautiful! I feel the title is perfect! Really like the reference to the tear being "tasteless" - really made me think about that line.
Wonderful, as usual,
L

Blue-eyed Bolla

Thu, 2023-06-08 05:58

Blue-eyed Bolla's picture

Many thanks, L.

KBloor

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2023-06-05 15:42

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I believe the answer to fleshing out the second stanza, and slowing it down,
is as simple as adding a couple of little words and small changes to a line.

"[a] coyotes howl..."

just wasting worthy written words.

~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Blue-eyed Bolla

Thu, 2023-06-08 05:58

Blue-eyed Bolla's picture

Many thanks, Geezer. I'll make the changes. Thanks for the feedback.

KBloor

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