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The Phoenix

Submitted by Warrior Princess on Wed, 2022-07-06 20:25

The world is too shallow;
To hold a person’s pain;
To dry the teary eyes;
To hear the endless cries;
To hide from all this;
Where is the safe haven?

To live and not yet be;
To give it your all yet still, failed;
To fill a space with wounds untold;
To fly and spread its wings like a bird;
To feel alive and be so free.

Is it a dream to not be?
The world is too shallow to hold a person’s pains;
The odds are against us;
Yet we live, live, live!

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

Can you take a moment to read, critique and share comments on how to improve this piece if needed? I am most appreciative of all your assistance.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Rosewood Apothecary

Wed, 2022-07-06 21:55

Yes we do

To live and not yet be;
To give it your all yet still, failed;
To fill a space with wounds untold;
To fly and spread its wings like a bird;
To feel alive and yet so free.

Yeah !

Tim

Warrior Princess

Thu, 2022-07-07 19:06

Hi Tim, do those lines

Hi Tim, do those lines resonate? Thanks for pinpointing.

Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2022-07-07 07:20

dear W. P.

for the very rich it isn't a problem. they live in a different realm and rarely even consider the rest of us. I feel that the day will come when the populace will rise up against them. it has happened in other countries. we feel that we are untouchable here in the U.S.of A. and it is an illusion. (I am of the middle class but I'm not blind) this is a great poem. I love the title. the phoenix rising from the ashes comes to mind clearly. i like the same lines as Tim.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Warrior Princess

Thu, 2022-07-07 19:09

Hi Candlewitch aww thank you

Hi Candlewitch aww thank you for sharing your perspective on this piece. You are absolutely right, at times I feel the same way about how mankind treats others and the inequality that continues and poorer nations are affected.

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2022-07-07 07:14

I enjoyed...

the piece as someone who lives on that edge of anonymity,
someone who is just a tiny piece of the puzzle for the rest of society.
I understand the frustration of those who feel that recognition of the
[little people] is beneath the notice of the upper-echelons excepting for a diversion
through ridicule. I thought that your language was good and drove to the point.
My one criticism is that the last line of the second stanza doesn't make sense to me.

"To feel alive and [yet] so free? I think the thought would be better as:
To feel alive and [be] so free. Nice work! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Warrior Princess

Thu, 2022-07-07 19:11

Hi Geeza thank you for this

Hi Geeza thank you for this correction. Will make the change.

author comment

Neopoet

The Phoenix