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Out in the country

Submitted by Leslie on Sat, 2024-02-03 06:55

Out in the country,

You’ll see them flock together,
I’ve seen the sandhill cranes pass,
In groups of three, often many more,

Curious and primeval,
With a guttural bugling
That signals all, of their presence.

You’ll notice them high in the sky,
Barely within eyesight,
Or just passing overhead,

Flying to their habitual nightly roost.

These ancient birds, seemingly unafraid,
of any impending danger,

Find themselves probing,
With their pointed beaks
In the soft earthy loam
Of freshly turned soil

In their mountain valleys,
On their return migration
To their northern destinations.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Sat, 2024-02-03 13:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Out in the Country" presents a vivid and engaging depiction of bird migration. The imagery is rich and detailed, effectively transporting the reader to the described setting. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The current structure is somewhat irregular, which can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it difficult for the reader to follow. Experimenting with different rhythmic patterns could enhance the poem's musicality and overall impact.

Secondly, the poem could provide more specific details about the birds. For instance, the poem refers to "these ancient birds" but does not specify what kind of birds they are. Providing more information about the birds could make the poem more engaging and informative for the reader.

Lastly, the poem could use more figurative language to create a deeper emotional connection with the reader. The poem currently relies heavily on literal descriptions, which are effective in creating a vivid picture, but incorporating more metaphors, similes, or other figurative language could add another layer of meaning and emotional depth to the poem.

In conclusion, while the poem effectively depicts a scene of bird migration, it could be improved by incorporating a more consistent rhythm, providing more specific details about the birds, and using more figurative language.

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Leslie

Sat, 2024-02-03 07:00

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I used to see them in the mountain valleys of Utah. They would be down by the river moving through the moist soil.

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Geezer

Sat, 2024-02-03 15:38

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Leslie knows these birds, and sees them yearly on migration, I would be pleased if one of you would inform the rest of us, as to what the nature of these birds are? ~ Geezer.
.

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Leslie

Sat, 2024-02-03 18:04

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I will tell you what I know first hand. They are ancient. If not the oldest of the birds, one of them. They are beautiful, large and have a recognizable
buggling that can be heard for miles. In a mountain valley where I used to
live. You could see them down by the river, working the soil for good things to eat. They seem unafraid of human kind and often could be seen flying just over the elementary school, landing in an adjacent yard. This happening while
school was in session. Even then they seemed unafraid. I could look up the
scientific information, but this is what I know first hand. They are beautiful
noble birds. Scientific name: Grus canadensis

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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Geezer

Sun, 2024-02-04 13:08

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I've got it now! I like the way you worked into the poem, letting us know the species right off, helps the vision of the birds in the sky. [I always think of them as black silhouettes against a rising or setting sun,] [probably too many movies or something].
Anyhow, it changed the poem to a scene. Nice! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Sat, 2024-02-03 22:39

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Hello, Leslie,
Sandhill Cranes! Saw 4 sedges / sieges of them while hiking today. Heard them trilling long before they were visible, they fly so high. At one time they would clearly migrate in fall and spring, but they've been seen all winter long the past few years flying overheard in smaller groups. Not sure if they are coming or going... You've given a lovely description of them, but it would be helpful to mention their name in your poem in some way. Maybe in the second line, instead of using "them." Nice homage to an amazing bird!
L

Leslie

Sun, 2024-02-04 03:31

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Yes, thank you I will.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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Candlewitch

Sun, 2024-02-04 06:18

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These birds sound fantastic. you have written a great tribute to the Sand Hill Cranes!

*hugs, Cat

*
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Leslie

Sun, 2024-02-04 10:51

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Thank you for your kind words. I'm looking forward to your next submission.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Leslie

Sun, 2024-02-04 13:37

Leslie's picture

Thanks, Lavender helped me out on that one!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment
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