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Once Upon a Dream: Part 2

Submitted by Kristen H. on Fri, 2023-12-15 23:39

You lean against your car
As I stand in front of you

Eyes locked on eyes
It's time to say goodbye

"Goodnight" I whisper as
I turn to walk away

"Wait" you whisper back
As you walk towards me

I turn back around to see you
Standing there

You grab my arm
And pull me in for a hug

Soft and gentle
Your touch lingered on my arm
Letting me go as slowly as possible

Just like my dream...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This is part 2 of my poem "Once Upon a Dream"
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-12-16 05:40

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2023-12-16 05:52

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In reading your poem, I found these lines clumsy:

Eyes locked on eyes
It's time to say goodbye

try something like:

Our eyes intensely locked
Only time for our goodbyes

*Hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Kristen H.

Sat, 2023-12-16 20:42

Kristen H.'s picture

Thanks for the feedback and recommendation, Candlewitch! I'll play around with the wording some and edit it when it's ready!

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