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Oh, My Children...

Submitted by Candlewitch on Sun, 2024-03-10 12:47

So profoundly weary am I, daily defiled,
with the sludge and garbage dumped
into my lakes, rivers and oceans, and
beaches, with broken glass in the sand.

You start careless fires in my woods,
after camping under many a protective tree.
Again, you do not pick up your trash,
plainly you have no respect or love for me!

Fires, oh the raging fires out of control.
Started by a cigarette dropped in dry grasses,
or the campfire hastily put out after use
under surface waits for a gulp of air and gasses.

My dearest children I weep for what you do,
scars upon my body by your chain saws
Marking my living trees for sacrifice...
Against this policy there should be laws!

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

Mother Nature

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-03-10 18:50

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem effectively uses personification to convey a strong environmental message. The Earth is portrayed as a weary, disrespected figure, which is a powerful way to evoke empathy in the reader. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.

1. Consistency in Tone: The poem starts with a formal tone ("so profoundly weary am I"), but later switches to a more casual tone ("you do not pick up your trash"). Maintaining a consistent tone throughout the poem could enhance its overall impact.

2. Use of Imagery: The poem could benefit from more vivid and specific imagery. For example, instead of saying "sludge and garbage dumped," the poem could describe the specific types of pollution to create a more vivid picture in the reader's mind.

3. Rhythm and Meter: The poem's rhythm and meter seem to fluctuate, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. Paying attention to syllable count and stress patterns can help create a more consistent rhythm.

4. Use of Clichés: Phrases like "broken glass in the sand" and "raging fires out of control" are somewhat clichéd. Using more original phrases could make the poem more unique and memorable.

5. Clear Message: The poem's message about environmental destruction is clear, but the call to action ("against this policy there should be laws") is somewhat vague. The poem could specify what kind of laws or actions it is advocating for.

Overall, the poem has a strong message and uses personification effectively, but could benefit from more specific imagery, a consistent tone, a steady rhythm, original phrases, and a clearer call to action.

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Lavender

Sun, 2024-03-10 22:53

Oh, My Children

Hi, Cat,
Your poem delivers the disgusting attitude and arrogance we have toward Mother Nature as we disrespect her over and over. We humans can be such inconsiderate, careless slobs.
Thank you for this direct, straightforward piece.
L

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-03-12 09:10

Dear Lavender,

You are very welcome. I am always happy to tell off someone who is defiling our Mother. She provides everything which me need for our well being thank you for your support.

*love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

William Lynn

Mon, 2024-03-11 16:56

Hi Cat.

Once again you touched on a subject that really ticks me off. I have spent the majority of my adult life loving and vacationing
in our beautiful country. It seems to me, that with each generation, the problem gets worse, even with wide spread education on the subject.

You did a very nice job at putting the issue to poem. Mother nature indeed weeps.

Thanks, Will

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-03-12 09:23

Thank you Will,

for reading and responding to my poem. I used to go camping every week end with the West Bank Motorcycle Club. We camped at parks all across Minnesota and Wisconsin. We had a group monitor who made sure that we left it pristine. Sometimes we cleaned up other peoples trash from those who came before. I remember one in particular that involved baby diapers. people can be disgusting. I do prefer animals, with the exception of a select few.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Clentin

Tue, 2024-03-12 10:25

Liked the essence of your

Liked the essence of your poem, you are right on!

People do not pay attention to requirements, laws etc. that are intended to protect not only our forests but our
Streets, neighborhoods as well. The beauty of our forests are a must for us all.

Good poem

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-03-12 15:45

hello Clentin,

thank you for your support, and for reading and responding

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Unca Fez

Tue, 2024-03-12 15:51

Two of the Seven Deadlies

As far as I can tell, Nature is suffering under the impact of two of the seven deadly sins: sloth and greed. Either people are too lazy to put in the effort to take care of Nature, or they are too greedy to care about the damage their actions are causing. In either case, Nature loses.

Thanx,
Steve

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-03-12 19:58

Dear Steven,

absolutely so, greed and sloth are killing our planet. We are a disease on our home. but if it gives any solace; after human kind is gone the planet will recover in eons.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Rula

Tue, 2024-03-12 16:34

Dear Cat

Your lament speaks volumes, echoing the pain of a planet burdened by human disregard
This is absolutely a sorrowful cry for stricter policies to protect mother nature and a reminder of our responsibilities toward a planet that gives us everything it could give.
Vivid imagery through out.
Thank you for sharing such a call and best wishes dear.

❤❤❤❤❤❤