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Night of the gigantic burrito's

Submitted by Leslie on Tue, 2023-11-14 21:02

Night of the gigantic burritos!

Late one evening, down Mexico way
The boys and I, ran off to play
It wasn’t the Cabo,
but you may have heard of the place.
It was down on the corner
in a run down cafe.
When out of the darkness,
stepped a giant of a man.
Beto was his name
Tattoos and scars
ran across his arms.
He said he had something
of value to sell
He was a peddler of burritos
and had them in wraps
The smell was heavenly
He pulled them out of a sack.
Chihuahuas in size,
he unwrapped a few.
Laid them on a table
and gave us the cue,
With ravenous hands
we dispensed with the vittles
He asked for our money
and he pulled a gun
We knew right then
It was the end of our fun
We all then scattered
on a dead run
The bullets flew
as we scrambled to our car
We never looked back.
But for years told the tale
of how it all went down!

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-11-15 03:02

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Night of the gigantic burritos" presents an interesting narrative, with a clear progression of events that maintains reader interest. However, there are several areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement.

1. Consistency in Tone: The poem begins with a light-hearted, almost whimsical tone, but abruptly shifts to a more serious, dangerous situation. While such shifts can be effective, in this case, it seems a bit jarring. The transition could be smoother or the tone could be more consistent throughout.

2. Imagery: The poem could benefit from more vivid and specific imagery. For example, instead of simply stating "Tattoos and scars ran across his arms," the poem could delve into what these tattoos and scars look like, what they might signify, etc. This would help to flesh out the character of Beto and make the scene more immersive.

3. Rhythm and Rhyme: The poem's rhythm and rhyme scheme are somewhat inconsistent. Some lines rhyme while others do not, and the rhythm varies from line to line. Establishing a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme could enhance the poem's musicality and flow.

4. Punctuation: The poem could use more consistent punctuation. There are several lines that end without any punctuation, which can make the poem difficult to read and disrupt its rhythm.

5. Show, Don't Tell: The poem often tells the reader what is happening, rather than showing it through descriptive language. For example, instead of saying "We knew right then It was the end of our fun," the poem could describe the characters' reactions and feelings in that moment.

6. Conclusion: The ending of the poem could be stronger. The final line, "of how it all went down!" is a bit vague and doesn't provide a satisfying resolution to the narrative. The poem could benefit from a more detailed or impactful conclusion.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Tue, 2023-11-14 21:56

With a little...

more rhyme, this could be really good. I love the tale of a night out on the town with the boys. I kept looking for the rhyme that I know is under all the rhythm. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Leslie

Tue, 2023-11-14 22:39

Ryhme

Maybe I didn't spend enough time on it.
I guess you are right. It came out more like
a creative writing project.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2023-11-15 11:37

Hey, it's good...

for a start. Use your familiarity with a subject, to tell the story.
Make at least every other line be in rhyme and you got it made! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Leslie

Tue, 2023-11-14 22:43

Thanks!

Thank you for your valuable input.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

kowque

Wed, 2023-11-15 01:19

I'm sensing

Alot of anger.
But,fuck haters.
Be as angry as you want.

I like the feeling this poem evoked within me.

Koki

Ruby Lord

Wed, 2023-11-15 07:01

This is great, I can see

This is great, I can see where your writing is developing and improving and you're doing a great job Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Leslie

Wed, 2023-11-15 08:15

Ruby,

Thank you!!!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Lavender

Wed, 2023-11-15 18:02