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LIFE'S AFTERNOON

Submitted by Trail on Fri, 2023-06-02 10:50

Now that my head has cooled down a bit
The hot headedness of my youth has left me
I can see life through clearer eyes

I no longer demand much from it
I talk to it quietly,
As if to a mate on the road
Gently I tip my hat and smile
It's been a rough couple of years
I say, hat in hand
A rough couple of years
But we continue to trudge on

The afternoons are much kinder now
Quiter, and gentle on the soul
The nights, though empty and lonesome
Are filled with the brightest of stars

Anyway, I forget where I was going with this
But you'll forgive me for that, won't you?
The sky is clear and blue and beautiful
And I just wanted this moment to last
Wanted this peace to last
A. SWANTALALA

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week May 27th To June 3rd 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-06-02 16:51

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Life's Afternoon" effectively captures the essence of a reflective and introspective mood. The use of conversational tone and imagery allows the reader to connect with the narrator's emotions and thoughts. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Consistency in punctuation: The poem seems to have an inconsistent use of punctuation, particularly with commas and periods. Ensuring proper punctuation throughout the poem will help maintain a consistent flow and make it easier for the reader to follow.

2. Line breaks and enjambment: The poem could benefit from more intentional line breaks and enjambment to emphasize certain thoughts or emotions. For example, the lines "The afternoons are much kinder now / Quiter, and gentle on the soul" could be broken up further to emphasize the contrast between the past and present:

The afternoons are much kinder now,
Quieter,
And gentle on the soul.

3. Spelling and grammar: There are a few spelling and grammar errors in the poem, such as "Quiter" instead of "Quieter." Proofreading the poem and correcting these errors will enhance its overall quality.

4. Strengthening the imagery: The poem contains some vivid imagery, such as "The nights, though empty and lonesome / Are filled with the brightest of stars." However, other parts of the poem could benefit from more concrete and evocative imagery to help the reader better visualize the scene and emotions being described.

Overall, "Life's Afternoon" effectively conveys a sense of introspection and appreciation for the present moment. By addressing the areas mentioned above, the poem can be further refined and strengthened.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Sat, 2023-06-03 09:54

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Change as we get older...some of us do mellow out and learn to seize the moment. Well done

~RoseBlack~

Trail

Mon, 2023-06-05 10:13

Trail's picture

Thanks for those words Roseblack. I'm glad you enjoyed reading my poem

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