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Menagerie
My thoughts unspoken
lie bloody and broken
on the tapestry of my life
while I lie in bed
they spew from my head
as I sulk, on a dark, damp night
it’s always the same
I face the same shame
pushing it down deep inside
for if I allow it,
a spark may ignite
leaving me fit to be tied
and so I concede
it’s not them, but me
that’s suddenly gone awry!
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
This one is important to me, but it will be interesting to see how it is interpreted by the group or
anyone for that matter.
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Content level:
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Region & Country
South Ogden, Utah
Favorite Poets
Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, and all of the poets at neo.
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Comments
Leslie
Tue, 2023-03-21 13:09
Menagerie
At the heart of the poem I tried to weave together the concepts of loneliness and control. It's easy for me to
become angry about the circumstances surrounding my life. And I know just as you do that if I don't make wise
choices someone else will make them for me.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentLeslie
Tue, 2023-03-21 13:09
Menagerie
At the heart of the poem I tried to weave together the concepts of loneliness and control. It's easy for me to
become angry about the circumstances surrounding my life. And I know just as you do that if I don't make wise
choices someone else will make them for me.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentlarge marge
Tue, 2023-03-21 14:02
Love
I like the message here a lot. I think its easy to put the fault on yourself or others, to sit in either shame or blame, especialy in those dark nighttime moments. I like how this captures that
Leslie
Tue, 2023-03-21 15:02
marge Tue, 2023-03-21 12:02
It is harder to do when you feel as though you cannot do very much to rectify the problem.
To sit and wait in silence is deafening, but to manage the stigma that is attached to my circumstances
becomes an insurmountable object indeed without causing a serious problem.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2023-03-21 16:35
I know...
that you may think that your situation is obvious to most who will read it, but in fact, this could be about many things. You could, for instance be thinking of committing a crime, which could lead to your being controlled by others. [Prison], you could be doing any amount of other things that could lead to the same fate. [Being ostracized by friend's and/or family]. You do present the picture as being rather bleak and one that worries you somewhat, but maybe it is not so bad as you might think.
Your title for instance, makes me think of an instance where you are aware
of multiple risks on your person, either from things that you have thought about doing
or from a number of agencies. I would guess that you have not acted on your thoughts
due to the harm you imagine being afforded. I know what you mean, there are things
that we cannot let loose in reality. It's okay, everyone has thoughts like that, we just don't act on them.
An intriguing piece of work. Your language use is good, and the pace is a sing-song rhythm
that lends itself easily to the theme. The ending is good, it gives the twist that maybe I have
become suddenly unbalanced, and it's not my fault. Enigmatic and surely something to contemplate.
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Tue, 2023-03-21 17:21
Hi John
Another fine write. I love how you put your emotions forth in such an elegant way. Your poems are honest and heartfelt. Good job!
~RoseBlack~
Leslie
Tue, 2023-03-21 18:19
My soul objective...
in this poem is to convey the message that whoever you are and wherever you are
you have got to control your thoughts, so that emotions maintain a balance. You are
absolutely right anyone can totally lose it in today's world. If you won't or can't control yourself
we all know that someone else will! Thank you for your comments Geezer. I want to be a real poet
and hold your opinion in high regard. Whatever you can help me with, to achieve that goal
is welcomed. I don't want to be merely a lyricist.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2023-03-21 20:11
Whoa!...
to think that people here hold my opinion in high regard, makes me shiver. I have been on the site for around 13-14 years, and I have seen many poets who didn't know their potential and didn't how to take advice and critique. [Not that I am always right]
but they just kept doing the same thing and making the same mistakes over and over again. Numerous others telling them the same and yet... My advice is to find yourself; figure out what kind of work interests you and read it. Read the poets here, watch what comments and critique they get and use it to better your work. I am primarily a rhymer, I love rhyme and feel I am good at it. However, I try different forms of rhyme and occasionally even write free verse. I use subjects that I am familiar with and many times, I write about things that happen in my life. I've written about the neighborhood cats, a farm that I used to visit, [Cowgirls] and have incorporated friends and family into my works. I try to keep a pad and pen where I can write words, phrases and lines for later development. Above all, keep writing! Not everything you write will hit the people where they laugh, cry or ponder, but you will get better as you go. Sorry to be so long-winded, but you asked. I hope that I have said something of value to you. Good luck on what I hope will be a long and fruitful career in writing. ~ Geezer.
P.S. I note that you and some others here are fine with people using your real name and I'm fine with you doing it. Myself, I like having a slice of my life, where I can be Geezer, Geez, and in older versions with other old timers, Gee.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Leslie
Tue, 2023-03-21 18:27
Rose Black
Thank you for validating me. You are excellent also. I love the things that you write. I don't know if Rose is your real name but thank you for calling me by mine. I'm making new friends and have found a rebirth.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentLeslie
Tue, 2023-03-21 21:29
Concerning the two previous comments
Hats off to you Geezer and Alexa my admiration is genuine and this is in general the path I've taken.
There are so many wonderful writers here. I purchased the anthology that I saw on the site
and am reading a lot. I am thinking down different threads and veins also. Thank you both for your
comments.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author comment