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Master of Puppets!

Submitted by Leslie on Tue, 2023-04-04 12:42

Back against the wall
you move towards the throng
the throngs of the innocent
you’ve left wasted, undone
isolated and sullen
caught up in a race
humanity's woes
your final disgrace
all the marionettes
held up by strings
sing the same songs!
is this but a dream
the only hope
for the wasted and weary
your kingdom is face
scamper off now
like a rat in the quarry
you've done your final deed
and can't conjure up
the words I'm sorry
your as thick as a post
you languish with worry
your dreams are forgotten now
and sleep just won't come
the marionettes have
all lost their tongues
they serve you night and day
not even a longing
for a place in the sun
to rest their weary heads
but the pit of your stomach
it rolls and turns
ah, your head is on fire
your eyes start to burn
the channel is open,
but you cannot bear to turn
to face the marionettes
and watch them burn
but the day will come
when your kingdom will crumble
when the King will come
as you choke and stumble
put an end to your game
as your victims assemble
to receive and rebuild
what is left
of earth’s slowly dying embers!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
this one I have not finished and would appreciate any help I can get to polish it up. It isn't about religion. It's about politics.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-04-04 12:42

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Master of Puppets!" is a dark and haunting portrayal of a power-hungry individual who leaves a trail of destruction in their wake. The imagery of marionettes being controlled by strings effectively conveys the idea of manipulation and lack of free will. The repetition of the phrase "wasted and weary" adds to the overall sense of despair and hopelessness.

However, the poem could benefit from some line edits to improve its flow and coherence. For example, in the line "humanity's woes / your final disgrace," the use of "your" seems out of place and could be replaced with "a." Additionally, the line "your kingdom is face" is unclear and may need to be rephrased for better clarity.

Overall, "Master of Puppets!" is a well-crafted poem that effectively conveys its themes of power, manipulation, and destruction. With some minor line edits, it could be even stronger.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Leslie

Tue, 2023-04-04 14:43

Leslie's picture

thanks to all that created this AI critique. I feel like 95% of the time it
makes an adequate and validating, instructive response.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2023-04-04 15:54

Geezer's picture
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to comment on this one. I need some nap time. LoL
~ Geez.
.

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