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JUST PAST MIDDLE
We've been through the years of youth
with passions hot as any fire
when my skin was clear and smooth
and love was equal to desire.
I oft recall those days.
Later came the family years
raising sons and still in love.
A time of laughter, sometimes tears
yet love won out push come to shove.
Together we worked through that maze.
Now we're back alone once more
children gone yet still in love.
We barely glimpse that final shore;
inevitably it draws near
as the future clears through thinning haze.
And I can see us growing old
helping each other cope with time
warming each other in the cold
while we perfect our long life's rhyme
as passion reaches ember's phase.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
jane210660
Wed, 2017-05-10 03:21
A lovely reflective write,
A lovely reflective write, one tiny suggestion and you may feel it alters the meaning too much, but in stead of 'long life's rhyme' on the penultimate line, 'life's long rhyme' flows a bit better.
Just a thought, feel free to ignore.
I enjoyed reading. Jx
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scribbler
Wed, 2017-05-10 11:25
Hey Jane
Your advice is most welcome. I have a tendency to put stresses where i want them instead of where they actually exist so any help with scansion is most welcome......I'll await further comments from others before edit.............stan
author commentlovedly
Wed, 2017-05-10 03:44
WHEN I was young ...she made tea and coffee for me
WHEN I was young ...
she made tea and coffee for me
now when my hands shake
she yells at me
can't you even add sugar properly
now she is training me
old age is a curse
we all depend not on poetic verse
but on times gone worse
from a sparking skin
to wrinkles
when she did smile
I had tears of joy
now as I grow old
she toys for words
why don't now come tears
she loves me still
but says
when will you go
you are now too old
suffering untold
my new bf says
push him
where ???
he stares
scribbler
Wed, 2017-05-10 11:27
there Is a
reason old age takes so long to acquire. It takes a Lot of experience to be able to cope with it ....I'd say lol but I'm not too sure that's much to laugh about. Appreciate your visit........stan
author commentlovedly
Wed, 2017-05-10 12:04
this is my
first for the contest do u like it
scribbler
Wed, 2017-05-10 17:10
loved
All contest entries are to be put on stream. Also I'll not do any true critique on these entries due to conflict of interest
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2017-05-10 17:11
Audri
Dang! You mean my old age shows through in my poetry? lol Thanks for the visit..........stan
author commentlovedly
Thu, 2017-05-11 02:19
old is gold Stan
See my bald head
it reflects sun's rays
mostly gold
at night my wife hits my head
to extract gold
for her net day's conquest
so don't hide it
your tooth replacements
must be gold
mine are plated with
what
secret tis
titanium from Titanics
but better
ASK ME NOT ERE
some burglars
at my mouth stare