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Jupiter's darling
From the womb of the great one
came Jupiter's darling!
Out of the midst of its gaseous realm.
Moving so slowly into a new orbit
cascading through space,
closer to the warmth of the Sun.
A new and refreshing kind of relationship,
as the moon is betrothed to the innocent one.
Desolate she swoops down to minister,
to the needs of the azure and emerald one.
falling into time, celestial glory to be won!
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I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
The relationship between Jupiter, the Earth, moon and sun. Leaves me to ponder upon our maker. The source of light which I believe, gives life to earth's inhabitants and the universe as well.
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South Ogden, Utah
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2024-03-11 14:32
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, "Jupiter's Darling," presents a vivid and imaginative exploration of celestial bodies and their relationships. The use of personification and metaphorical language creates an engaging narrative that brings the cosmos to life.
However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved. Firstly, the use of the possessive pronoun "it's" in the third line should be "its" to denote belonging. The use of "it's" is a contraction of "it is" or "it has," which does not fit the context here.
In the sixth line, the word "bethrowthed" seems to be a typographical error. If the intention was to use the term "betrothed," it would be advisable to correct this to ensure clarity for the reader.
The phrase "the the Sun" in the fifth line appears to be a repetition error. Removing the extra "the" would improve the flow of the sentence.
Lastly, the final line could benefit from more specific imagery. The terms "azure and emerald one" are somewhat vague. If these are meant to represent Earth, more explicit or unique descriptors could enhance the reader's understanding and engagement.
In terms of structure, the poem maintains a consistent free verse format, which works well with the content. The rhythm could be enhanced by paying closer attention to syllable counts or stresses in each line to create a more musical quality.
Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong command of language and a creative approach to its subject matter. With a few minor adjustments, it could be even more effective.
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Geezer
Mon, 2024-03-11 13:02
Right now...
I'm not exactly clear on who Jupiter's Darling is.
This almost sounds as though you might be describing the coming Lunar-eclipse.?
~ Geez.
.
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Leslie
Mon, 2024-03-11 14:42
Geezer
Some of the old philosopher/astronomers believed that the planet Jupiter had a soul and that it gave birth to the earth. I can't
remember where I read it though.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentLeslie
Mon, 2024-03-11 14:50
G.
Does it make sense now?
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentLeslie
Tue, 2024-03-12 00:43
Mark
The line closer to the Sun has a religious conotation. I should have spelled it Son, but that probably wouldn't be understood. I don't know. .What do you think?
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2024-03-12 10:03
Dear Leslie,
I understand it clearly! I would not change (Sun to Son) Good work, my friend!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Leslie
Tue, 2024-03-12 13:07
Cat...
I agree completely and thanks much!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentTawny023
Thu, 2024-03-21 21:54
Thank you for dropping a line about Jupiter
I felt that I had a telescope and this poem somehow gave me hope. Maybe of the reality that we on earth are just one small part of the entire universe. This piece is brilliant but this line I would take out the second ‘and’ move desolate to the next line
although is missing a h
altough coarse and seemingly dry and desolate
Leslie
Fri, 2024-03-22 05:29
Tawny023
Thank you for help with this revision. I like it much better!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentTawny023
Fri, 2024-03-22 13:54
Nailed it
Wow after the revision it reads smooth and more powerful. Job well done
Leslie
Sat, 2024-03-23 03:20
Tawny023
Thank you!!!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
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