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Irene
In the imagined city
The statue of the statue himself
Andre Breton mathematician of dreams
Is levelled to the ground
A labyrinth of streets
In the kernel of desire
I put my hands all over you
Inside the vale of your hair
I place my eyes within your eyes
Your mouth within my mouth
You open like a fan
I stiffen to your touch
I tear at you
With the violence of your love
You tear back
Naked woman with glass body
Holy Virgin of Montmartre
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Explicit Content
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Comments
Seren
Thu, 2023-02-16 00:17
Dear John
Holy Poetry,
Sigh this is magnificent, one of your best imo.
I felt this poem I got goosebumps and that doesn't often happen.
Magnifico
I see nothing to change its perfect as it is.
Love and hugs Jayne
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Dalton
Thu, 2023-02-16 12:31
Dearest Jayne
I am pleased with this one though title I could work on
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2023-02-16 13:01
dearest John,
very nice, it is so good... in touch with your classy pattern of poetry! excellent work, my dear friend,
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Dalton
Thu, 2023-02-16 13:54
Dearest Cat
I was wondering if the last line should be rearranged with it ending “Naked Virgin of Montmartre” verse what do you think? I truly obvs respect your opinion regards John :)
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2023-02-16 13:58
dearest John
yes, I do believe that would be better.
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Dalton
Thu, 2023-02-16 16:17
Dearest Cat
Have made the proper changes hope it reads better now my dear friend :)
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2023-02-17 06:03
dearest John,
I like it, but the real question is; how do you feel?
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Emerald1
Sat, 2023-02-18 07:04
Love it
John
I love this piece , your imagined city and imagined events , paying homage to the actress and her character that you so love Irene Jacobs as Veronique ,a dabble in surrealism and mention of its fathers statue being torn down as a statue is in The Double life of Veronique , this piece is so beautifully sensual it causes tingles an your imagery is so intimate and delightful , powerful lustful loving described as only you can I believe , seductive erotic and classy all in one .Im sure your muse would be
enthralled , a fantastic read my dearest friend and poet extraordinaire