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Forthwith the night
Forthwith the night
once hidden in your eyes
passion makes its way along
to grant sleepless desire
lovers make their way
thru the darkened shire
as passion quickly flares
pitting fire, against fire
in the light of perspirations glow
the heaving of a sigh
giving birth to adoration
revealed within, the slightest smile
we long for brash acceptance
selfishly exhuming, our desire
where copulate we lay
to bring to life, to sire!
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
The circle of life bringing good things to life in its own magestic, emotional way!
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Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2024-03-21 12:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Forthwith the night" is an exploration of passion and desire, using vivid imagery and metaphors to convey the intensity of these emotions. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved for clarity and impact.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. While some lines flow smoothly, others are jarring due to their length or syllable count. For instance, "in the light of perspirations glow" is noticeably longer than most other lines, disrupting the rhythm. Adjusting the syllable count to match the other lines could improve the flow.
Secondly, the poem's language is at times overly complex, which can obscure the intended meaning. For example, "selfishly exhuming, our own desire" is a phrase that could be simplified for clarity. While it's clear that this line is meant to convey a strong, perhaps overwhelming desire, the use of the word "exhuming" might be confusing for some readers.
Finally, the punctuation in the poem is inconsistent. There are places where commas are used where they may not be necessary, such as "pitting fire, against fire," and other places where punctuation is missing entirely, such as "where copulate we lay". Consistent and correct use of punctuation can greatly enhance the readability of a poem.
In conclusion, while the poem effectively conveys a sense of passion and desire through its vivid imagery and metaphors, improvements could be made in terms of rhythm, language, and punctuation to enhance its clarity and impact.
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Lavender
Thu, 2024-03-21 11:15
Forthwith The Night
Hello, Leslie,
How beautifully sensual! I could see how this might be even more passionate, but then it may lose some of its tenderness. A couple things stood out to me just a bit: I'm not certain of "forthwith" and "hidden" complimenting each other. Maybe "once hidden" or "no longer hidden?" Just a thought. I noticed the poem speaks of "we" and "our" throughout, except "lovers make their way" - I'm a little lost with that line, but probably not reading correctly. I love the action in this. It holds passion in a very delicate manner. A lovely concept which you have covered so tenderly.
Thank you!
L
I believe "lay" should be "lie."