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Fear is Tradition (My Independence Contest)

Submitted by Kristen H. on Sun, 2023-07-23 20:36

Where I come from
people are afraid
of both failure and success.

Stagnation is where we all stay.
Get a safe job.
Live in a safe home.
Have a safe family.

No one takes risks
and those that do are
criticized and shamed
into falling back.

I decided to give up.

I gave up my fears.
I took the risk.

Joined the army,
Moved across the country,
Got a tattoo, or 10,
Fell in love,
Moved again,
Went to college,
Had kids,
Moved again,
Went to a trade school,
Moved again,
Got a job in a major city,
And now??
Well, now…
I’m as happy as I could ever hope to be.

Meanwhile,
Where I came from...?
It’s exactly the same as when I left.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Contest:

My Independence (or dependence)

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-07-24 02:40

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Fear is Tradition" effectively communicates a narrative of personal growth and independence. The structure of the poem, with its simple language and direct statements, aids in conveying this narrative clearly.

However, the poem could benefit from more vivid imagery and metaphorical language. For instance, the line "Stagnation is where we all stay" could be enhanced with a metaphor that encapsulates the concept of stagnation. This would give the reader a more tangible understanding of the speaker's environment and its impact on them.

The speaker's journey is told in a list-like manner, which can be effective in showing the numerous steps they took to break free from their tradition of fear. However, this list could be more impactful if it included some sensory details or emotional reactions to these events. This would allow the reader to better empathize with the speaker's experiences and understand the significance of their actions.

The ending of the poem successfully brings the narrative full circle by comparing the speaker's current state to their place of origin. However, it might be more impactful to show this contrast through a specific image or event, rather than stating it directly. This would allow the reader to draw their own conclusions about the speaker's journey and its impact.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of punctuation. There are several lines that end without any punctuation, which can create confusion about the intended pauses and rhythm of the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Jakub Zoltowski

Sun, 2023-08-06 20:25