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Endless Sleep
I can feel the water filling my lungs
Weighing on my chest
It's heavy and cool
It sinks me
to the bottom
And holds me in place
My chest rises and falls
With the waves
Slow and smooth
I let my body flow
With the pace of the water
As I drift off to sleep
When I awaken
The fish greet me as their friend
The sand under me is warm
I close my eyes
once more
To listen to the movement
The dull crash of the waves
The echo of silence
The beating of my heart
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USA - Georgia
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Lord Alfred Tennyson, Robert Frost, Allen Ginsberg, Walt Whitman, Misha Collins, John Donne
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-02-07 03:40
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Endless Sleep" captures a serene and introspective moment of surrendering to the water and finding solace in its embrace. The imagery of the water filling the lungs and weighing on the chest effectively conveys a sense of heaviness and immersion. The repetition of the phrase "I let my body flow" emphasizes the surrender and acceptance of the speaker.
The poem successfully creates a tranquil atmosphere through its descriptions of the waves, fish, sand, and the sounds of the ocean. The contrast between the crashing waves and the echo of silence adds depth to the sensory experience.
One suggestion for improvement would be to further develop the emotional aspect of the poem. While the physical sensations and surroundings are vividly depicted, the emotional state of the speaker could be explored in more depth. Consider delving into the speaker's thoughts, feelings, or reflections as they drift off to sleep and awaken in this underwater realm.
Additionally, the poem could benefit from a stronger concluding statement. The final line, "The
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Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-02-07 10:48
Excellent!
I have only one suggestion:
The dull crash of the waves
The echo of silence
The beating of my(slowing) heart
or
The dull crash of the waves
The echo of silence
The beating of my heart
slowing...
or disregard completely. I love the poem
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Kristen H.
Mon, 2024-02-12 08:50
Thank you...
For your suggestions, Candlewitch! I chose not to add slowly or slowing to this poem because I didn't want it to represent death. While the subject of the poem did drown themselves, it was my intention to portray new life, and with that, a still beating heart.
author commentUnca Fez
Mon, 2024-02-12 12:16
Kristen
Your poem brought back a memory from the summer of my seventh year that we spent in Fernadina Beach, Florida. I had just learned to swim, sort of. We were at a pond or lake. I don't exactly remember. What I do remember is being challenged by a girl that I'd met there to swim to the diving platform that floated in the middle.
It turned out that it was farther than I was capable of swimming. At some point, the exhaustion caught up with me and started to sink. I remember fighting it for a while, then just giving up. It was one of the strangest feelings I've ever had. I, basically, was accepting my fate and allowing myself to sink.
Fortunately for me, the life guard had spotted me and pulled me out. My mother really let me have it for being so foolish. I guess I really scared her.
In any case, the vivid descriptions in your poem brought back this memory for me. Thank you.
Thanx,
Steve
Kristen H.
Mon, 2024-02-12 13:01
Wow!
What a wild thing to have experienced!!! Thank you so much for sharing!!
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