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Ecstasy Rain

Submitted by Kristen H. on Sat, 2023-07-22 17:45

“Touch it”
You say to me as I reach down
And touch the flower
Dripping with dew
from an ecstasy rain

I caress the petals
Oh so gently
And move my fingers with grace

I take your hand in mine
And teach you how to do the same

You’re slow and steady
But I can see the nervousness in your eyes.

You do exactly as I did
And soon the rainwater falls again
Drenching the flower once more

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week July 16 to July 22nd 2023
Content level: 
Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-07-22 23:50

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Ecstasy Rain" demonstrates a clear understanding of imagery and the use of sensory details. The vivid description of touching the dew-drenched flower effectively engages the reader's sense of touch. The use of the phrase "ecstasy rain" is intriguing and adds a layer of mystery to the poem.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The lines vary significantly in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Experimenting with syllable count or stress patterns could enhance the musicality of the piece.

Additionally, the poem could delve deeper into the emotions of the characters. While there is a mention of nervousness, the poem could further explore what is causing this emotion and how it affects the interaction between the characters.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structures. Most lines start with "I" or "You," which can become repetitive. Experimenting with different sentence structures could add interest and complexity to the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Roscoe Lane

Sun, 2023-07-23 03:57

Roscoe Lane's picture

I get an image of two young or newly found lovers, in which case the flow and rhythm can be slightly off. It has a tender and innocent feel, even if it's only two people enjoying the beauty of a flower. I like this, Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Kristen H.

Sun, 2023-07-23 08:28

Kristen H.'s picture

for your feedback, Roscoe!

author comment

Alex Tanner

Sun, 2023-07-23 05:29

Alex Tanner's picture

I love this one. Yes perhaps a little editing could get more erotism if that is what you are aiming for. Otherwise leave it as it is. Alex

Kristen H.

Sun, 2023-07-23 08:31

Kristen H.'s picture

for your feedback, Alex! I was going for some gentle eroticism. I didn't want it to be too much.

author comment
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